Posts Tagged 'san francisco'

United Nations Denounces Pee Crimes at Bay to Breakers

Pee criminals flagrantly violent the Vienna Convention on Public Excretion. Photo by Medeny

Pee criminals flagrantly violate the Vienna Convention on Public Excretion. Photo by Medeny

UNUCC has confirmed international reports of Pee Crimes at this year’s Bay to Breakers race in San Francisco. Doorsteps, alleyways, and parked vehicles have all been subjected to repeated Acts of Peeing in violation of the Vienna Convention on Public Excretion. UNUCC denounces these deplorable acts and once again calls for global solidarity against Pee Crimes.

The United Nations has been vigorously monitoring the Bay to Breakers ever since San Francisco’s UN Plaza was flooded by pee and Miller High Life in 1996. In 2007 a multinational force was dispatched to monitor and inspect the long-running Abnormal Public Event first hand. The observers were shocked by the blatant violations of international conventions on excretion, flabby nudity, flip-flops, and the alarming act known as keg standing-a simulated drowning by light beer which is illegal under UN Resolution 0117 on Dude Brahs. The 20 person force lacked the mandate and manpower to enforce international law but vigorously sanctioned the worst violators.

UN Personnel sanction a Violator at the 2007 Bay to Breakers

UN Personnel sanction a Violator at the 2007 Bay to Breakers

UNUCC Commander EDW Lynch calls for a Multinational Pee Containment Force, equipped with 20,000 Porta Potties and a strengthened mandate which permits vigorous observation of all acts of excretion at the 2010 Bay to Breakers. The only protection for San Francisco’s doorsteps, alleyways, and parked vehicles is a global consensus against Pee Crimes.


The San Francisco Protocol

The San Francisco Protocol was drafted at the Headquarters of the UNCCH.  Photo cc Yang Yu

The San Francisco Protocol was drafted at the Headquarters of the UNCCH on March 9, 2009. Photo cc Yang Yu

The United Nations Convention on Abnormal Public Events

The Parties to this Protocol,
Being parties to the United Nations Convention on Abnormal Public Events,
Alarmed by recent increases in Flash Mobs and other such Events which are messy and silly,
Reaffirming the importance of normalcy throughout the world,
Have agreed as follows:

Article 1

For the purposes of this Protocol the following Definitions shall apply:
1. “Abnormal Public Event” means any publicly visible action, flash mob, or other happening that is outside of established cultural norms.
2. “Prankster” means a person who would undertake an Abnormal Public Event.
3. “Frat Person” means a current or former member of a college fraternity or sorority, or any person who ascribes to the aesthetic, values, and flip-flops prevalent therein.
4. “Normalcy” means a soothing state in which the unexpected is minimized and the days pass in a uniform beige slurry of unremarkable events.
5. “Internet” means a world wide web of electronic sites that have replaced parents and provide 99 percent of the daily requirement of novelty and stimulation.

Article 2

The Parties agree to encourage adherence by Prankster to the following points:

“The Ten Points”

1. Prankster shall announce in as many media as practicable Intention to Undertake an Abnormal Public Event, hereinafter “the Event,” at twelve months, six months, two weeks, and one day prior to the Event.  Prankster shall provide similar notice to the United Nations Commission on Costumes & Holidays (UNCCH).
2. Prankster shall allow unfettered access by UNCCH observers to ensure compliance to this Protocol before, during, and after the Event.
3. Prankster shall not undertake the Event on a holiday or weekend, as those are days of thoughtful reflection.
4. Prankster shall convene a committee in which all conceivable stakeholders shall be able to voice concerns and opinions regarding the Event no less than six months prior. Prankster agrees to modify the Event based upon the findings of the committee.
5. Prankster shall provide advance notice to all possible Frat Persons and agrees to include such persons in the Event and accede to their widely recognized ability to party.
6. At earliest convenience, Prankster shall invite a corporate partner such as Red Bull to underwrite, market, and otherwise co-opt the Event.
7. Prankster shall make best efforts not to surprise, provoke, encourage introspection by, or otherwise wrongly invigorate any person witnessing the Event.
8. During the Event, Prankster agrees to provide multilingual pamphlets outlining What is happening, Why it is happening, and How to complain about it.
9. Should any witness to the Event assert, in their sole judgment, that the Event is pointless, confusing, alarming, or an Offense to Normalcy, Prankster agrees to immediately halt the Event.
10. Should the Prankster be unable to adhere to any of the aforementioned points, they agree to stay home and surf the Internet.

Article 3

The original of this Protocol, of which the Arabic, Chinese, English, French, Russian and Spanish texts are equally authentic, shall be deposited with the Secretary-General of the United Nations.

DONE at San Francisco this ninth day of March two thousand and nine.

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