Commander EDW Lynch inspects a suspected cardboard tube militant
SAN FRANCISCO- Commander EDW Lynch and a small team of United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) observers and inspectors confirmed rumors of cardboard conflict at Hayes Valley Farm on Sunday, June 20th. Acting on signals intelligence gleaned from the extremist Cardboard Tube Fighting League website, the multinational observer force deployed at the urban farm in time to see cardboard tube militants amassing. While some participants claimed the event was a “cardboard didgeridoo conference,” it became clear to international observers that ritualized cardboard tube violence was the goal of the shadowy organizers.
UNUCC inspectors questioned possible tube militants and scrutinized cardboard tubes and armor. Some militants openly ascribed to cardboard violence, while others claimed the event was protected cultural ceremony.
UNUCC cardboard tube inspection form
Commander EDW Lynch liaised with local leaders and advocated strongly for peaceful tube usage. However, due to the small size of the multinational force, as well as a very limited mandate, UNUCC was unable to intervene when tube violence broke out. The multinational observer force witnessed the deplorable use of heavily armed child soldiers, as well as increasingly sophisticated cardboard weapon systems, which indicate possible state sponsorship.
UNUCC once again appeals to rival cardboard factions to disarm and recycle their tubes.
The UN Multinational Observer Force
UNUCC personnel monitor the disposal of weaponized cardboard tubes
SAN FRANCISCO- The United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) warns extremist cardboard militants to lay down their cardboard tubes or face vigorous observation and inspection. United Nations monitors have detected shipments of weaponized cardboard poster tubes entering the San Francisco area, as well as signals intelligence indicating cardboard violence is imminent.
According to cardboard extremist website the Cardboard Tube Fighting League, fighting will break out tomorrow in San Francisco’s peaceful Hayes Valley yuppie enclave. The CTFL has been known to the United Nations for some time, and the radical organization is notorious for instigating tube violence on an international scale, with disturbing reports of cardboard conflict as far away as Japan. Details posted on CTFL:
What: CTFL Tournament and Potluck at Hayes Valley Farm, San Francisco
Where: The Hayes Valley Farm (450 Laguna Street, San Francisco, CA 94102)
When: Sunday, June 20th, 2010, The fun starts at 3pm.
Entry Fee: Free, tubes provided!
The UN Normalcy Council has authorized a multinational inspection and monitoring force to vigorously observe militants. Commander EDW Lynch urges militants to submit peaceably to inspections and refrain from attacking the UN observers.
UN Normalcy Council
SAN FRANCISCO- The United Nations Normalcy Council, the international body charged with monitoring global normalcy, has entered an emergency session to discuss an imminent pillow conflict in San Francisco.
United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) Monitors report alarming signs of a brewing pillow conflict: an ominous Facebook “Pillow Fight” event scheduled for Sunday, February 14th with 3,342 confirmed pillow extremists (and 2,034 “maybes”), and what appears to be a rabble-rousing pilitant website calling for open pillow warfare in San Francisco.
Photo by Dave Young
In 2009, the Normalcy Council issued Resolution 0190 Regarding Pillow Conflict in San Francisco, which authorized a multinational observer force to vigorously monitor the 2009 Pillow Fight. The monitors and peacekeepers were unpillowed and UNUCC expected pilitants to respect international pillow law and refrain from attacking the multinational force. Instead, in a most flagrant violation, the 20 personnel were viciously ambushed by pilitants.
Photo cc Zachary Lara
The closed-door emergency session of the Normalcy Council will determine the appropriate international response to pillow conflict in San Francisco, be it sanctions, vigorous observation, or strenuous monitoring. In the meantime, UNUCC Commander EDW Lynch urges rival pillow factions to resolve their disagreements peaceably and within the confines of international pillow law.
Gripping Eyewitness Video of UNUCC at SF Pillow Fight
United Nations Condemns Attacks on Unpillowed Observers
Resolution 0190 Regarding Pillow Conflict in San Francisco
Commander EDW Lynch a multinational force of observers and inspectors vigorously and steadfastly observed Saturday’s Balsa Man Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone in San Francisco. UNUCC commends the safe zone organizers for mostly honoring the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment. The site was well isolated on a deserted beach in San Francisco and a protective layer of fog obscured the weirdness from innocent normal persons.
In a triumph of international justice, known tweet criminals @sflslim and @steve23 were boldly sanctioned in person by UNUCC personnel. These sanctions are in addition to the twitter “@reply” sanctions issued last week and are even more vigorous. The international community was also “dismayed and very disappointed” to discover a tiny cell tower within the tiny safe zone. Commander EDW Lynch personally conveyed United Nation’s disappointment as well as a strenuous sanctioning.
UN Observers will vigorously monitor Balsa Man
Newly empowered by the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment (ABC), UNUCC is preparing an observer mission to a very, very small ABC Safe Zone recently identified in San Francisco. Known as Balsa Man, the safe zone will open on Saturday and will feature a burning effigy of a man as well as other abnormal projects. UNUCC will be on hand to monitor the containment of abnormal persons, rumored to be in the “tens of people.” Observers will also be vigorously discouraging participants from tweeting or otherwise sharing any activities that may occur in the safe zone.
UN Commander EDW Lynch is forced to engage a cardboard tube extremist. Photo by Michael Seaman
UNUCC Peacekeepers were ambushed by cardboard tube militants at last week’s Cardboard Tube Fight and were compelled to defend themselves in a rare show of force by the commission. Commander EDW Lynch and Captain David Cairns were surrounded and forced to take part in ritualized tube conflict. While the peacekeepers defended themselves with enthusiasm, both were defeated in the first round of the battle.
UNUCC detected an alarming cache of weaponized cardboard poster tubes at the Golden Gate Park skirmish. It was clear that child soldiers were being recruited, provided with cardboard armor, and pressed into service by cardboard extremists. The United Nations vigorously condemns the reprehensible use of child soldiers in cardboard conflict, as well as the brazen attacks on international observers. UNUCC strenuously requests that tube militants distube immediately and adhere to international law as it relates to cardboard tube violence.
UNUCC personnel monitor the disposal of weaponized cardboard tubes
Commander EDW Lynch has identified the Cardboard Tube Fighting League as the main instigator of tube conflict. UNUCC has officially added the League to its watchlist of abnormal organizations. The United Nations furthermore asks all member nations to cease traffic in weaponized poster tubes and to ban the harmful practice of ritualized tube dueling.
Photos documenting the tube violence can be found on the Official UNUCC Flickr group.
UNUCC observers inspect cardboard tube debris during a 2008 skirmish
UNUCC observers deployed in San Francisco are reporting a deeply alarming buildup of cardboard tube stockpiles near Golden Gate Park. Similar buildups of weapons-grade cardboard tubes in 2008 resulted in three outbreaks of tube conflict, including a cardboard tube fight witnessed firsthand by UNUCC observers.
UNUCC urges a diplomatic solution for tube tensions and asks all cardboard militants to lay down their tubes and accept an internationally brokered distubament agreement.
Civilians and humanitarian workers are strongly cautioned against going to Golden Park this Sunday at 4pm due to the high likelihood of cardboard tube conflict.