Posts Tagged 'condemns'

UNUCC Warns Cardboard Extremists to Disarm

UNUCC personnel monitor the disposal of weaponized cardboard tubes

SAN FRANCISCO- The United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) warns extremist cardboard militants to lay down their cardboard tubes or face vigorous observation and inspection. United Nations monitors have detected shipments of weaponized cardboard poster tubes entering the San Francisco area, as well as signals intelligence indicating cardboard violence is imminent.

According to cardboard extremist website the Cardboard Tube Fighting League, fighting will break out tomorrow in San Francisco’s peaceful Hayes Valley yuppie enclave. The CTFL has been known to the United Nations for some time, and the radical organization is notorious for instigating tube violence on an international scale, with disturbing reports of cardboard conflict as far away as Japan. Details posted on CTFL:

What: CTFL Tournament and Potluck at Hayes Valley Farm, San Francisco
Where: The Hayes Valley Farm (450 Laguna Street, San Francisco, CA 94102)
When: Sunday, June 20th, 2010, The fun starts at 3pm.
Entry Fee: Free, tubes provided!

The UN Normalcy Council has authorized a multinational inspection and monitoring force to vigorously observe militants. Commander EDW Lynch urges militants to submit peaceably to inspections and refrain from attacking the UN observers.

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UNUCC Peacekeepers Attacked by Cardboard Tube Militants

UN Commander EDW Lynch is forced to engage a cardboard tube extremist. Photo by Michael Seaman

UN Commander EDW Lynch is forced to engage a cardboard tube extremist. Photo by Michael Seaman

UNUCC Peacekeepers were ambushed by cardboard tube militants at last week’s Cardboard Tube Fight and were compelled to defend themselves in a rare show of force by the commission. Commander EDW Lynch and Captain David Cairns were surrounded and forced to take part in ritualized tube conflict. While the peacekeepers defended themselves with enthusiasm, both were defeated in the first round of the battle.

UNUCC detected an alarming cache of weaponized cardboard poster tubes at the Golden Gate Park skirmish. It was clear that child soldiers were being recruited, provided with cardboard armor, and pressed into service by cardboard extremists. The United Nations vigorously condemns the reprehensible use of child soldiers in cardboard conflict, as well as the brazen attacks on international observers. UNUCC strenuously requests that tube militants distube immediately and adhere to international law as it relates to cardboard tube violence.

UNUCC personnel monitor the disposal of weaponized cardboard tubes

UNUCC personnel monitor the disposal of weaponized cardboard tubes

Commander EDW Lynch has identified the Cardboard Tube Fighting League as the main instigator of tube conflict. UNUCC has officially added the League to its watchlist of abnormal organizations. The United Nations furthermore asks all member nations to cease traffic in weaponized poster tubes and to ban the harmful practice of ritualized tube dueling.

Photos documenting the tube violence can be found on the Official UNUCC Flickr group.

United Nations Denounces Pee Crimes at Bay to Breakers

Pee criminals flagrantly violent the Vienna Convention on Public Excretion. Photo by Medeny

Pee criminals flagrantly violate the Vienna Convention on Public Excretion. Photo by Medeny

UNUCC has confirmed international reports of Pee Crimes at this year’s Bay to Breakers race in San Francisco. Doorsteps, alleyways, and parked vehicles have all been subjected to repeated Acts of Peeing in violation of the Vienna Convention on Public Excretion. UNUCC denounces these deplorable acts and once again calls for global solidarity against Pee Crimes.

The United Nations has been vigorously monitoring the Bay to Breakers ever since San Francisco’s UN Plaza was flooded by pee and Miller High Life in 1996. In 2007 a multinational force was dispatched to monitor and inspect the long-running Abnormal Public Event first hand. The observers were shocked by the blatant violations of international conventions on excretion, flabby nudity, flip-flops, and the alarming act known as keg standing-a simulated drowning by light beer which is illegal under UN Resolution 0117 on Dude Brahs. The 20 person force lacked the mandate and manpower to enforce international law but vigorously sanctioned the worst violators.

UN Personnel sanction a Violator at the 2007 Bay to Breakers

UN Personnel sanction a Violator at the 2007 Bay to Breakers

UNUCC Commander EDW Lynch calls for a Multinational Pee Containment Force, equipped with 20,000 Porta Potties and a strengthened mandate which permits vigorous observation of all acts of excretion at the 2010 Bay to Breakers. The only protection for San Francisco’s doorsteps, alleyways, and parked vehicles is a global consensus against Pee Crimes.

United Nations Condemns Attacks on Pillow Observers

UN officer Slim and his transport
Photo cc Zachary Lara
The U.N.
Photo © Andrionni Ribo
Pilitant Violence against the UN
Photo cc Zachary Lara
UN representatives
Photo cc Zachary Lara

Yesterday, in the most harrowing mission for the UNCCH to-date, 18 peacekeepers, inspectors, and medical staff deployed at the 2009 San Francisco Pillow Fight

Photos & Video
UNCCH Flickr Pool
PNN Network footage with Violet Blue

The un-pillowed personnel were empowered by UN Resolution 0190, which mandated a multinational force to monitor the conflict and inspect pillows.

The United Nations was gravely alarmed by the series of ambushes that befell our neutral observers throughout the mission and strenuously condemns these appalling violations of International Pillow Law.

Militants ignored our entreaties to resist pillow conflict as well as the strong language of Resolution 0190 (2009) and the 2005 Reykjavik accords. Our observers also detected a truly shocking number of child soldiers who were specifically targeting our personnel.

The United Nations estimates that more than 2,500 militants were involved in the conflict of February 14.  This represents a deeply disquieting increase in pillow militancy and extremism.  Also, our observers detected a sharp increase in the severity of the violence compounded by heavy, soggy pillows due to rain conditions.

The Commission is currently in emergency session as we assess an appropriate International response to unfettered pillow militancy.


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