Posts Tagged 'cardboard tube conflict'

UNUCC Confirms Cardboard Conflict at Hayes Valley Farm

Commander EDW Lynch inspects a suspected cardboard tube militant

SAN FRANCISCO- Commander EDW Lynch and a small team of United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) observers and inspectors confirmed rumors of cardboard conflict at Hayes Valley Farm on Sunday, June 20th.  Acting on signals intelligence gleaned from the extremist Cardboard Tube Fighting League website, the multinational observer force deployed at the urban farm in time to see cardboard tube militants amassing.  While some participants claimed the event was a “cardboard didgeridoo conference,” it became clear to international observers that ritualized cardboard tube violence was the goal of the shadowy organizers.

UNUCC inspectors questioned possible tube militants and scrutinized cardboard tubes and armor. Some militants openly ascribed to cardboard violence, while others claimed the event was protected cultural ceremony.

UNUCC cardboard tube inspection form

Commander EDW Lynch liaised with local leaders and advocated strongly for peaceful tube usage.  However, due to the small size of the multinational force, as well as a very limited mandate, UNUCC was unable to intervene when tube violence broke out.  The multinational observer force witnessed the deplorable use of heavily armed child soldiers, as well as increasingly sophisticated cardboard weapon systems, which indicate possible state sponsorship.

UNUCC once again appeals to rival cardboard factions to disarm and recycle their tubes.

The UN Multinational Observer Force

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UNUCC Warns Cardboard Extremists to Disarm

UNUCC personnel monitor the disposal of weaponized cardboard tubes

SAN FRANCISCO- The United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) warns extremist cardboard militants to lay down their cardboard tubes or face vigorous observation and inspection. United Nations monitors have detected shipments of weaponized cardboard poster tubes entering the San Francisco area, as well as signals intelligence indicating cardboard violence is imminent.

According to cardboard extremist website the Cardboard Tube Fighting League, fighting will break out tomorrow in San Francisco’s peaceful Hayes Valley yuppie enclave. The CTFL has been known to the United Nations for some time, and the radical organization is notorious for instigating tube violence on an international scale, with disturbing reports of cardboard conflict as far away as Japan. Details posted on CTFL:

What: CTFL Tournament and Potluck at Hayes Valley Farm, San Francisco
Where: The Hayes Valley Farm (450 Laguna Street, San Francisco, CA 94102)
When: Sunday, June 20th, 2010, The fun starts at 3pm.
Entry Fee: Free, tubes provided!

The UN Normalcy Council has authorized a multinational inspection and monitoring force to vigorously observe militants. Commander EDW Lynch urges militants to submit peaceably to inspections and refrain from attacking the UN observers.

UNUCC Peacekeepers Attacked by Cardboard Tube Militants

UN Commander EDW Lynch is forced to engage a cardboard tube extremist. Photo by Michael Seaman

UN Commander EDW Lynch is forced to engage a cardboard tube extremist. Photo by Michael Seaman

UNUCC Peacekeepers were ambushed by cardboard tube militants at last week’s Cardboard Tube Fight and were compelled to defend themselves in a rare show of force by the commission. Commander EDW Lynch and Captain David Cairns were surrounded and forced to take part in ritualized tube conflict. While the peacekeepers defended themselves with enthusiasm, both were defeated in the first round of the battle.

UNUCC detected an alarming cache of weaponized cardboard poster tubes at the Golden Gate Park skirmish. It was clear that child soldiers were being recruited, provided with cardboard armor, and pressed into service by cardboard extremists. The United Nations vigorously condemns the reprehensible use of child soldiers in cardboard conflict, as well as the brazen attacks on international observers. UNUCC strenuously requests that tube militants distube immediately and adhere to international law as it relates to cardboard tube violence.

UNUCC personnel monitor the disposal of weaponized cardboard tubes

UNUCC personnel monitor the disposal of weaponized cardboard tubes

Commander EDW Lynch has identified the Cardboard Tube Fighting League as the main instigator of tube conflict. UNUCC has officially added the League to its watchlist of abnormal organizations. The United Nations furthermore asks all member nations to cease traffic in weaponized poster tubes and to ban the harmful practice of ritualized tube dueling.

Photos documenting the tube violence can be found on the Official UNUCC Flickr group.

UNUCC Expresses Elevated Concern About Cardboard Tube Buildup

UNUCC Observers inspected cardboard tube debris during a 2008 skirmish

UNUCC observers inspect cardboard tube debris during a 2008 skirmish

UNUCC observers deployed in San Francisco are reporting a deeply alarming buildup of cardboard tube stockpiles near Golden Gate Park.  Similar buildups of weapons-grade cardboard tubes in 2008 resulted in three outbreaks of tube conflict, including a cardboard tube fight witnessed firsthand by UNUCC observers.

UNUCC urges a diplomatic solution for tube tensions and asks all cardboard militants to lay down their tubes and accept an internationally brokered distubament agreement.

Civilians and humanitarian workers are strongly cautioned against going to Golden Park this Sunday at 4pm due to the high likelihood of cardboard tube conflict.


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