Archive for the 'UN Press Release' Category

Normalcy Council Enters Emergency Session to Address Pillow Conflict

UN Normalcy Council

SAN FRANCISCO- The United Nations Normalcy Council, the international body charged with monitoring global normalcy, has entered an emergency session to discuss an imminent pillow conflict in San Francisco.

United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) Monitors report alarming signs of a brewing pillow conflict: an ominous Facebook “Pillow Fight” event scheduled for Sunday, February 14th with 3,342 confirmed pillow extremists (and 2,034 “maybes”), and what appears to be a rabble-rousing pilitant website calling for open pillow warfare in San Francisco.

DSC_0219
Photo by Dave Young

In 2009, the Normalcy Council issued Resolution 0190 Regarding Pillow Conflict in San Francisco, which authorized a multinational observer force to vigorously monitor the 2009 Pillow Fight. The monitors and peacekeepers were unpillowed and UNUCC expected pilitants to respect international pillow law and refrain from attacking the multinational force. Instead, in a most flagrant violation, the 20 personnel were viciously ambushed by pilitants.

Pilitant Violence against the UN
Photo cc Zachary Lara

The closed-door emergency session of the Normalcy Council will determine the appropriate international response to pillow conflict in San Francisco, be it sanctions, vigorous observation, or strenuous monitoring. In the meantime, UNUCC Commander EDW Lynch urges rival pillow factions to resolve their disagreements peaceably and within the confines of international pillow law.

See also:
Gripping Eyewitness Video of UNUCC at SF Pillow Fight
United Nations Condemns Attacks on Unpillowed Observers
Resolution 0190 Regarding Pillow Conflict in San Francisco

UN Declares “Burning Man” An Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone

Thousands of abnormal persons are converging on the Burning Man safe zone

Thousands of abnormal persons are converging on the Burning Man safe zone. Photo cc The Buried Life

Just two days after announcing the revolutionary Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment, United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) observers have confirmed the existence of an Abnormal Behavior Containment (ABC) Safe Zone in the Nevada desert.  The eyewitness report describes a large temporary community near Gerlach, Nevada known as “Burning Man”  and featuring all the requirements of the Stockholm Plan: isolation, exclusion, and all-night dance parties.

UNUCC encourages all abnormal persons to assemble in this ABC Safe Zone and assures that the international community will not interfere with any abnormal behaviors within. Burning Man represents the first real test of the Stockholm Plan, which outlines the use of safe zones to control abnormal persons and dissipate their weirdness far away from the world community.

Abnormal persons demonstate a novel method for burning fossil fuels while dancing

Abnormal persons dissipate weird energy by a combination of dancing and burning fossil fuels. Photo cc Ryan Swift

UNUCC Commander EDW Lynch urged critics of the plan to ignore Burning Man’s intense use of fossil fuels, scarce drinking water, and most of the west coast’s supply of furry fabrics, as well as the bloom of carbon emissions emitting from the occupant’s vehicles, generators, and fire sculptures, assuring that “the environmental costs of this unsustainable camp are far outweighed by the benefit to the world community in the form of a measurable decrease in weirdness.  It is vitally important that these abnormal persons be permitted to dissipate their weird energies in a remote desert safe zone where they can only affect other abnormal persons.”

Water is distributed on the desert floor during Burning Man

Water is distributed on the desert floor during Burning Man. Photo cc The Buried Life

UNUCC observers continue to monitor the Burning Man safe zone, which is expected to increase in size until early September.  The Commission is particuarly concerned about reports that the isolation of the safe zone is being endangered by cellular communications and Twitter.  Commander EDW Lynch strenously urges abnormal persons within the safe zone to “respect and maintain the isolation of Burning Man from the world community by refraining from telling us what you’re doing.” The United Nations Normalcy Council is currently in emergency session to consider an international response to these communication leaks.

United Nations Denounces Pee Crimes at Bay to Breakers

Pee criminals flagrantly violent the Vienna Convention on Public Excretion. Photo by Medeny

Pee criminals flagrantly violate the Vienna Convention on Public Excretion. Photo by Medeny

UNUCC has confirmed international reports of Pee Crimes at this year’s Bay to Breakers race in San Francisco. Doorsteps, alleyways, and parked vehicles have all been subjected to repeated Acts of Peeing in violation of the Vienna Convention on Public Excretion. UNUCC denounces these deplorable acts and once again calls for global solidarity against Pee Crimes.

The United Nations has been vigorously monitoring the Bay to Breakers ever since San Francisco’s UN Plaza was flooded by pee and Miller High Life in 1996. In 2007 a multinational force was dispatched to monitor and inspect the long-running Abnormal Public Event first hand. The observers were shocked by the blatant violations of international conventions on excretion, flabby nudity, flip-flops, and the alarming act known as keg standing-a simulated drowning by light beer which is illegal under UN Resolution 0117 on Dude Brahs. The 20 person force lacked the mandate and manpower to enforce international law but vigorously sanctioned the worst violators.

UN Personnel sanction a Violator at the 2007 Bay to Breakers

UN Personnel sanction a Violator at the 2007 Bay to Breakers

UNUCC Commander EDW Lynch calls for a Multinational Pee Containment Force, equipped with 20,000 Porta Potties and a strengthened mandate which permits vigorous observation of all acts of excretion at the 2010 Bay to Breakers. The only protection for San Francisco’s doorsteps, alleyways, and parked vehicles is a global consensus against Pee Crimes.

Announcing UNUCC

UNCCH is now UNUCC

UNCCH is now UNUCC

The United Nations Commission on Costumes & Holidays (UNCCH) has been redesignated the United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC.) The name change reflects the Normalcy Council’s current focus on unconventional cultures and their dangerous effect on global normalcy.  UNUCC will be expanding its mission to monitor and inspect these unconventional cultures and related Abnormal Public Events (APEs.)

To those who would upset global peace & quiet, the United Nations will respond vigorously-with UNUCC.

United Nations Deeply Concerned by Bridal Flash Mob

This is what happens when brides are not subject to international monitoring

This is what happens when brides are not subject to international monitoring

The UNCCH expresses deep concern about Saturday’s abnormal public event known as Brides of March. Late last week the Commission convened an emergency session to formulate an international response to this APE.  There is no question that the event is well outside the Ten Points of the San Francisco Protocol.  It is historically underserved by the mainstreaming Frat Person presence, there is no public input regarding the nature of the event, and alarming numbers of tourist onlookers sustain dangerous levels of shock and bogglement.

On Thursday night the Commission forwarded its recommendations to the UN Normalcy Council: a strongly worded resolution was needed providing a mandate for vigorous international monitoring.  As the event loomed the Council became embroiled in a heated diplomatic debate with member nations China and the United States objecting strenuously to the application of the San Francisco Protocol in this instance.  The United States hosts a number of commercially sucessfully abnormal public events such as Burning Man and Mardi Gras and refuses to allow a precedent of international intervention.  China exports 95% of the world’s Mardi Gras beads and inexpensive costumery and views these events as economically vital (provided they do not occur in mainland China where they are strictly forbidden.)

As a result of these objections the Normalcy Council was unable to agree upon a resolution and UNCCH was prevented from monitoring Brides of March.  Regardless, the Commission is deeply concerned by the event and encourages signatories of the Protocol to speak out against the trafficking of used bridal dresses and the confusing of tourists in protected tourism zones.

Commander EDW Lynch

The UNCCH Enters Emergency Session to Discuss Messy Flash Mobs

*FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE*

UNCCH Commander EDW Lynch has been recalled from observer duties in the Swiss Alps to join an emergency session at the San Francisco headquarters. Member nations will be discussing the alarming increases in messiness detected at numerous flash mobs and other anomalous public events.

A measured response to this global crisis is expected very soon.

The UNCCH
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