Archive for the 'Resolutions' Category

UN Resolution Blames Pillow Conflict on Teen Sexual Tension, Talibro Extremists


Video by Ed Hunsinger

The UN Normalcy Council has released Resolution 0210 On Pillow Conflict And Teen Sexual Tension, which “strongly condemns” all acts of pillow violence and especially the planned 2010 San Francisco pillow fight, and calls on member nations to address the root cause: “deeply alarming levels of teen sexual tension.” But perhaps the strongest words were saved for the notorious Talibro pillow militants, or “pilitants,” whose backwards-hatted thuggery has come to dominate the pillow fight.

Resolution 0210 follows last year’s Resolution 0191 On Pillow Conflict in San Francisco, and the 2005 Rejkjavik Accords, which call for an end to pillow conflict by 2015.

Escalating Sexual Tensions

UNUCC Teen Fashion Monitors have long warned the escalation of girl trampification and boy tight-jeansification is has surpassed international limits and is causing dangerous levels of teen sexual tension. These at-risk teens are most likely to turn to the pillow extremism advocated by the notorious Talibro. Resolution 0210 reiterates the 1982 Milwaukee Agreement on Sensible Slacks and Dresses and mandates safe and healthy outlets of sexual tension, such as writing embarrassing poetry and basket weaving.

DSC_0230

A Warning to the Talibro

The Resolution “gravely condemns” the Talibro pilitants for increasing the level of violence at the San Francisco pillow fight. UNUCC personnel felt first hand the power of their unbridled sexual frustration during repeated and unprovoked pillow attacks in 2009. Wearing the distinctive backwards hats and flip flops of their people and drunk on a combination of testosterone and energy drinks, the Talibro have singlehandedly changed what was a small flash mob in 2007 into an unruly and savage melee. Commander EDW Lynch issued this stern warning: “angry man-boys of the Talibro, turn your backward hats around along with your backward policy of pillow violence.”

Targeted Sanctions

Finally, Resolution 0210 empowers the United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission to enforce so-called “targeted sanctions” against those teens who would advocate or engage in pillow conflict. Among the measures available:

  • No Nintendo Wii for a week
  • No one within 500 meters of pillow conflict permitted to say “hella”
  • Parent-UN conference
  • Red Bull embargo

Due to a lack of pillow resistant vehicles and equipment, the Resolution does not authorize the deployment of a multinational force at the 2010 San Francisco Pillow Fight.

International Press Coverage of UN Intervention at Pillow Fight 2009 via geeked.info

See also:
Gripping Eyewitness Video of UNUCC at SF Pillow Fight
United Nations Condemns Attacks on Unpillowed Observers
Resolution 0190 Regarding Pillow Conflict in San Francisco

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United Nations Declares Twitter Embargo of Burning Man

At stake is nothing less than the world's ability to ignore Burning Man

At stake is nothing less than the world's ability to ignore Burning Man. Photo cc Steven Tan

Following an intense emergency session, the United Nations Normalcy Council has released UN Resolution 0191 calling for an embargo of all tweets originating from the Burning Man Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone.  According to the resolution, twitter messages and any other form of cellular- or wireless-based communications leaking from the safe zone represent “a grave threat to worldwide normalcy by allowing the weirdness of Burning Man to escape to the outside world.” Additionally, the resolution “reflects a consensus that the international community doesn’t really want to hear up-to-the-minute updates on [a participant’s] ongoing voyage self discovery and/or how many Clifbars they have eaten today.”

Violators of the Burning Man Twitter Embargo will be subject to @reply sanctions

Violators of the Burning Man Twitter Embargo will be subject to @reply sanctions

The embargo strictly forbids any and all tweets, emails, cell phone transmissions, or other forms of electronic communication between the abnormal persons in the Burning Man safe zone and the outside world. The embargo also renders any Foursquare “Mayors” of Black Rock City illegitimate.

All violators of the embargo are subject to the vigorous condemnation of the international community as well as targeted “@reply Sanctions” by UNUCC.

To Report Embargo Violators to the United Nations

To report a violator of the UN Twitter Embargo, transmit the following message:

“I am reporting [@twitter_name] to @UNUCC for violating the UN Twitter Embargo of Burning Man. #BMembargo”

UNUCC Twitter Monitors will immediately be dispatched to investigate the user’s violation.  Confirmed violators of the embargo will be vigorously sanctioned via Twitter and added to the listed below.

UN Twitter Monitors vigorously sanction violators of the Embargo

UN Twitter Monitors vigorously sanction violators of the Embargo

Violators of the UN Twitter Embargo of Burning Man:

sfslim
josephpred
steve23
doublejosh
reedsturtevant
hackmancoltaire
shellyshelly
Rubin110
brady
calliloopy
mr_bill
robsample
mike_FTW
jsgarvin
hodgman
owlmonkey
Waltarrrrr
carnivillain
foursquare

RESOLUTION 0190 (2009): Pillow Conflict in San Francisco

Empowered by its new mandate, the UNCCH prepares for imminent deployment in San Francisco

Empowered by its new mandate, the UNCCH prepares for imminent deployment in San Francisco

United Nations Commission on Costumes & Holidays
Special Council on Pillow Conflict

Resolution 0190 (2009)

Adopted by the Commission at its 256th meeting, on February 9, 2009

The Commission,

Recalling its earlier statements of concern about rising pillow conflict in San Francisco, New York, and London in resolutions 0147 (2006), 0160 (2007), and 0177 (2008),

Gravely alarmed by the 3,756 persons on the Facebook group for the San Francisco Pillow Fight of 2009 indicating they will attend and that it will be “hella tight,”

Taking note of the Special Bedtime Envoy’s report of November 12, 2008 regarding the proliferation of the uranium-dipped goose down “weaponized” pillows,

Reiterates the Reykjavik Accords of 2005, signed by all member states, calling for an end to pillow conflict by 2015,

Vigorously urges all pillow militants to voluntarily and peacefully lay down their pillows,

Underlines the prohibitions under International Pillow Law against attacking un-pillowed and camera-wielding persons,

Condemns the compressing of pillow filling for the purposes of increasing the density to inhumane levels in contravention with International Pillow Law,

Reiterates the many peaceful uses for pillows, including as an implement of sleep, for mild-to-moderate cuddling, and personal use outside the purview of this Commission,

Acting under Chapter XX of the United Nations Charter,

Decides to authorize the UNCCH to assemble and dispatch a multinational observer force to any potential zones of pillow conflict, especially in regards to the situation in San Francisco, with the following mandate:

a) to monitor any and all pillow conflict,
b) to facilitate the inspection of pillows to ensure compliance with International law,
c) to ensure the safety of United Nations and international humanitarian personnel in pillow conflict zones,
d) to train at risk persons in peaceful pillow use,
e) and to provide humanitarian aid to refugees of pillow conflict.

Encourages member states to provide personnel and moral support for the UNCCH mission,

Thanks the Secretary General for the very thoughtful card,

Decides to remain actively seized of the matter.


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