Archive for the 'Protocols & Accords' Category

United Nations Proposes Abnormal Behavior “Safe Zone” in Desert

Citing alarming worldwide increases in global weirdness, the United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission has announced the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment. The plan outlines the creation of an Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone far away from major population centers, preferably in a desolate desert or dry lake bed.

The proposed safe zone would contain, isolate, and include dance parties. Photo cc Avram Cheaney

The proposed safe zone would contain and isolate abnormal persons. Photo cc Avram Cheaney

The Commission has been monitoring worldwide abnormal behaviors and events for some time, and in recent years has detected a sharp increase in weirdness. Left unchecked, these abnormal behaviors flare up in the form of spontaneous pillow violence, illicit cardboard tube fighting, and other affronts to worldwide normalcy.  A growing international consensus on normalcy has led to the historic San Francisco Protocol on Abnormal Events as well as other vigorous and strongly worded resolutions and accords.  However, UNUCC believes a more targeted campaign to contain and manage abnormal behavior is needed.

In the spring of 2009 UNUCC convened the Stockholm Congress on Abnormal Behavior Containment.  Today, UNUCC is pleased to share the results of this international congress, the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment.

The Stockholm Plan
The Stockholm Congress finds that abnormal behavior is inevitable. The only possible international response is containment. Abnormal Behavior Containment is made up of 3 key elements: isolation, exclusion, and all-night dance parties. If these factors exist together in a “safe zone”, abnormal behaviors can be contained and managed and worldwide levels of normalcy will be safely maintained.

Abnormal Behavior Containment is made up of three key elements.

Abnormal Behavior Containment is made up of three key elements.

Isolation
An Abnormal Behavior Containment (ABC) Safe Zone must be established at least 350 miles from any major cultural and population center. The distance is critical to providing a buffer zone between abnormal persons and the rest of the international community.  Without normal persons as eyewitnesses, United Nations studies have shown that weirdness can only travel about 100 meters before dissipating into the atmosphere. Additionally, because abnormal behavior will be expected in the safe zone, the behavior will by definition become less and less abnormal until a safe level of normalcy is reached.

Exclusion
It is vitally important that the Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone exclude large portions of the population in order to marginalize the abnormal behaviors within. The United Nations has found that small subcultures are easily manageable until the point at which they can be exploited for television shows and mainstream commercial products. UNUCC proposes entrance limitations for the safe zone based on wealth and means, such as requiring participants to have access to personal automobiles to travel to the safe zone, as well as sufficient funds to acquire equipment, rations, and adequate glowing apparel.  Additionally a safe zone visa could be established with high fees associated with entrance to the containment area.

All-Night Dance Parties
Once the exclusive population of abnormal persons has been isolated, epic all night-dance parties will perform a critical function in the safe dispersion of weird energy.  Research at liberal arts colleges and renegade dance events has shown that abnormal persons are easily distracted and lulled in to a harmless trance-like state by a “pulsing, pounding, and/or danceable beat.” Similar to the Roman practice of pacifying populations with bread and circuses, the intensely phat beats will expel energies that might otherwise be expressed in the form of abnormal behaviors and public events. The safe zone is guaranteed to attract a large population of abnormal persons (estimates range from 30- to 60,000) and the only effective and scalable solution is a network of slamming all night dance parties fueled by diesel generators, alcohol, fire-breathing sculptures, and various recreational drugs.

An abnormal person enroute to the UN safe zone. Photo cc Julia/foxgrrl

An abnormal person enroute to the UN safe zone. Photo cc Julia/foxgrrl

Concerns
Critics may contend that such a large and isolated Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone in an inhospitable environment would require an unsustainable use of fossil fuels, water, and other resources. In addition such a large site would require intensive management and bureaucracy. UNUCC contends that any negative effect on the environment by the safe zone would be outweighed by a useful decrease in global weirdness and abnormal behaviors. Additionally this “dampening” effect would extend well before the safe zone was opened as abnormal persons would spend months distracted by endless preparation, as well as months afterwards in state of helpless ennui known as “decompression.”

Conclusion
In an Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone featuring these three key factors, UNUCC believes abnormal behavior can be contained and safely dispersed with little or no effect on the international community. The United Nations is currently performing a worldwide search for possible safe zone sites, with special attention applied to arid deserts and dry lake beds. UNUCC proposes to administer the safe zone and would utilize the extensive skills the United Nations has accumulated in refugee camp administration to manage the site and the abnormal persons. Member Nations are encouraged to nominate sites for consideration.

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The San Francisco Protocol

The San Francisco Protocol was drafted at the Headquarters of the UNCCH.  Photo cc Yang Yu

The San Francisco Protocol was drafted at the Headquarters of the UNCCH on March 9, 2009. Photo cc Yang Yu

THE SAN FRANCISCO PROTOCOL
The United Nations Convention on Abnormal Public Events

The Parties to this Protocol,
Being parties to the United Nations Convention on Abnormal Public Events,
Alarmed by recent increases in Flash Mobs and other such Events which are messy and silly,
Reaffirming the importance of normalcy throughout the world,
Have agreed as follows:

Article 1

For the purposes of this Protocol the following Definitions shall apply:
1. “Abnormal Public Event” means any publicly visible action, flash mob, or other happening that is outside of established cultural norms.
2. “Prankster” means a person who would undertake an Abnormal Public Event.
3. “Frat Person” means a current or former member of a college fraternity or sorority, or any person who ascribes to the aesthetic, values, and flip-flops prevalent therein.
4. “Normalcy” means a soothing state in which the unexpected is minimized and the days pass in a uniform beige slurry of unremarkable events.
5. “Internet” means a world wide web of electronic sites that have replaced parents and provide 99 percent of the daily requirement of novelty and stimulation.

Article 2

The Parties agree to encourage adherence by Prankster to the following points:

“The Ten Points”

1. Prankster shall announce in as many media as practicable Intention to Undertake an Abnormal Public Event, hereinafter “the Event,” at twelve months, six months, two weeks, and one day prior to the Event.  Prankster shall provide similar notice to the United Nations Commission on Costumes & Holidays (UNCCH).
2. Prankster shall allow unfettered access by UNCCH observers to ensure compliance to this Protocol before, during, and after the Event.
3. Prankster shall not undertake the Event on a holiday or weekend, as those are days of thoughtful reflection.
4. Prankster shall convene a committee in which all conceivable stakeholders shall be able to voice concerns and opinions regarding the Event no less than six months prior. Prankster agrees to modify the Event based upon the findings of the committee.
5. Prankster shall provide advance notice to all possible Frat Persons and agrees to include such persons in the Event and accede to their widely recognized ability to party.
6. At earliest convenience, Prankster shall invite a corporate partner such as Red Bull to underwrite, market, and otherwise co-opt the Event.
7. Prankster shall make best efforts not to surprise, provoke, encourage introspection by, or otherwise wrongly invigorate any person witnessing the Event.
8. During the Event, Prankster agrees to provide multilingual pamphlets outlining What is happening, Why it is happening, and How to complain about it.
9. Should any witness to the Event assert, in their sole judgment, that the Event is pointless, confusing, alarming, or an Offense to Normalcy, Prankster agrees to immediately halt the Event.
10. Should the Prankster be unable to adhere to any of the aforementioned points, they agree to stay home and surf the Internet.

Article 3

The original of this Protocol, of which the Arabic, Chinese, English, French, Russian and Spanish texts are equally authentic, shall be deposited with the Secretary-General of the United Nations.

DONE at San Francisco this ninth day of March two thousand and nine.


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