Citing alarming worldwide increases in global weirdness, the United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission has announced the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment. The plan outlines the creation of an Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone far away from major population centers, preferably in a desolate desert or dry lake bed.
The Commission has been monitoring worldwide abnormal behaviors and events for some time, and in recent years has detected a sharp increase in weirdness. Left unchecked, these abnormal behaviors flare up in the form of spontaneous pillow violence, illicit cardboard tube fighting, and other affronts to worldwide normalcy. A growing international consensus on normalcy has led to the historic San Francisco Protocol on Abnormal Events as well as other vigorous and strongly worded resolutions and accords. However, UNUCC believes a more targeted campaign to contain and manage abnormal behavior is needed.
In the spring of 2009 UNUCC convened the Stockholm Congress on Abnormal Behavior Containment. Today, UNUCC is pleased to share the results of this international congress, the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment.
The Stockholm Plan
The Stockholm Congress finds that abnormal behavior is inevitable. The only possible international response is containment. Abnormal Behavior Containment is made up of 3 key elements: isolation, exclusion, and all-night dance parties. If these factors exist together in a “safe zone”, abnormal behaviors can be contained and managed and worldwide levels of normalcy will be safely maintained.
An Abnormal Behavior Containment (ABC) Safe Zone must be established at least 350 miles from any major cultural and population center. The distance is critical to providing a buffer zone between abnormal persons and the rest of the international community. Without normal persons as eyewitnesses, United Nations studies have shown that weirdness can only travel about 100 meters before dissipating into the atmosphere. Additionally, because abnormal behavior will be expected in the safe zone, the behavior will by definition become less and less abnormal until a safe level of normalcy is reached.
It is vitally important that the Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone exclude large portions of the population in order to marginalize the abnormal behaviors within. The United Nations has found that small subcultures are easily manageable until the point at which they can be exploited for television shows and mainstream commercial products. UNUCC proposes entrance limitations for the safe zone based on wealth and means, such as requiring participants to have access to personal automobiles to travel to the safe zone, as well as sufficient funds to acquire equipment, rations, and adequate glowing apparel. Additionally a safe zone visa could be established with high fees associated with entrance to the containment area.
All-Night Dance Parties
Once the exclusive population of abnormal persons has been isolated, epic all night-dance parties will perform a critical function in the safe dispersion of weird energy. Research at liberal arts colleges and renegade dance events has shown that abnormal persons are easily distracted and lulled in to a harmless trance-like state by a “pulsing, pounding, and/or danceable beat.” Similar to the Roman practice of pacifying populations with bread and circuses, the intensely phat beats will expel energies that might otherwise be expressed in the form of abnormal behaviors and public events. The safe zone is guaranteed to attract a large population of abnormal persons (estimates range from 30- to 60,000) and the only effective and scalable solution is a network of slamming all night dance parties fueled by diesel generators, alcohol, fire-breathing sculptures, and various recreational drugs.
Critics may contend that such a large and isolated Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone in an inhospitable environment would require an unsustainable use of fossil fuels, water, and other resources. In addition such a large site would require intensive management and bureaucracy. UNUCC contends that any negative effect on the environment by the safe zone would be outweighed by a useful decrease in global weirdness and abnormal behaviors. Additionally this “dampening” effect would extend well before the safe zone was opened as abnormal persons would spend months distracted by endless preparation, as well as months afterwards in state of helpless ennui known as “decompression.”
In an Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone featuring these three key factors, UNUCC believes abnormal behavior can be contained and safely dispersed with little or no effect on the international community. The United Nations is currently performing a worldwide search for possible safe zone sites, with special attention applied to arid deserts and dry lake beds. UNUCC proposes to administer the safe zone and would utilize the extensive skills the United Nations has accumulated in refugee camp administration to manage the site and the abnormal persons. Member Nations are encouraged to nominate sites for consideration.