Archive for the 'Missions' Category

UNUCC to Dispatch Observer Force to Balsa Man Safe Zone

UN Observers will vigorously monitor Balsa Man

UN Observers will vigorously monitor Balsa Man

Newly empowered by the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment (ABC), UNUCC is preparing an observer mission to a very, very small ABC Safe Zone recently identified in San Francisco. Known as Balsa Man, the safe zone will open on Saturday and will feature a burning effigy of a man as well as other abnormal projects. UNUCC will be on hand to monitor the containment of abnormal persons, rumored to be in the “tens of people.” Observers will also be vigorously discouraging participants from tweeting or otherwise sharing any activities that may occur in the safe zone.


Gripping Eye Witness Video of the UNCCH at SF Pillowfight

UN Inspector Announcement
Photo cc Zachary Lara

Gripping eye-witness footage of the United Nations Commission on Costumes & Holidays mission to Pillow Fight has surfaced thanks to a number of brave war correspondents.

Ed Hunsinger documented the United Nations outpost in the center of Justin Hermann plaza, moments before the multinational force was compelled to retreat from increasingly agitated pilitants. He also witnessed inspectors operating under the mandate of UN Resolution 0190.

Mari Francille recorded Inspector Burstein describing approved pillow use to militants.

And as noted previously Violet Blue was reporting live during the action on behalf of PNN.

United Nations Condemns Attacks on Pillow Observers

UN officer Slim and his transport
Photo cc Zachary Lara
The U.N.
Photo © Andrionni Ribo
Pilitant Violence against the UN
Photo cc Zachary Lara
UN representatives
Photo cc Zachary Lara

Yesterday, in the most harrowing mission for the UNCCH to-date, 18 peacekeepers, inspectors, and medical staff deployed at the 2009 San Francisco Pillow Fight

Photos & Video
UNCCH Flickr Pool
PNN Network footage with Violet Blue

The un-pillowed personnel were empowered by UN Resolution 0190, which mandated a multinational force to monitor the conflict and inspect pillows.

The United Nations was gravely alarmed by the series of ambushes that befell our neutral observers throughout the mission and strenuously condemns these appalling violations of International Pillow Law.

Militants ignored our entreaties to resist pillow conflict as well as the strong language of Resolution 0190 (2009) and the 2005 Reykjavik accords. Our observers also detected a truly shocking number of child soldiers who were specifically targeting our personnel.

The United Nations estimates that more than 2,500 militants were involved in the conflict of February 14.  This represents a deeply disquieting increase in pillow militancy and extremism.  Also, our observers detected a sharp increase in the severity of the violence compounded by heavy, soggy pillows due to rain conditions.

The Commission is currently in emergency session as we assess an appropriate International response to unfettered pillow militancy.

United Nations Cautions Weather: Disperse Peaceably

UN Peacekeeping is best served under clear skies at 15-20 Celsius (60-68 degrees Fahrenheit.)  If the weather deviates in any way then I will be compelled wear an unsightly raincoat.  This will gravely affect my spiffiness index.  I call upon the moisture in the low pressure system over Northern California to disperse peaceably and without delay.

Commander EDW Lynch

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