Archive for the 'Message from the Commander' Category

United Nations Deeply Concerned by Bridal Flash Mob

This is what happens when brides are not subject to international monitoring

This is what happens when brides are not subject to international monitoring

The UNCCH expresses deep concern about Saturday’s abnormal public event known as Brides of March. Late last week the Commission convened an emergency session to formulate an international response to this APE.  There is no question that the event is well outside the Ten Points of the San Francisco Protocol.  It is historically underserved by the mainstreaming Frat Person presence, there is no public input regarding the nature of the event, and alarming numbers of tourist onlookers sustain dangerous levels of shock and bogglement.

On Thursday night the Commission forwarded its recommendations to the UN Normalcy Council: a strongly worded resolution was needed providing a mandate for vigorous international monitoring.  As the event loomed the Council became embroiled in a heated diplomatic debate with member nations China and the United States objecting strenuously to the application of the San Francisco Protocol in this instance.  The United States hosts a number of commercially sucessfully abnormal public events such as Burning Man and Mardi Gras and refuses to allow a precedent of international intervention.  China exports 95% of the world’s Mardi Gras beads and inexpensive costumery and views these events as economically vital (provided they do not occur in mainland China where they are strictly forbidden.)

As a result of these objections the Normalcy Council was unable to agree upon a resolution and UNCCH was prevented from monitoring Brides of March.  Regardless, the Commission is deeply concerned by the event and encourages signatories of the Protocol to speak out against the trafficking of used bridal dresses and the confusing of tourists in protected tourism zones.

Commander EDW Lynch


UNCCH Announces the San Francisco Protocol on Abnormal Public Events

The time has come to bring abnormal public events (commonly referred to as “Flash Mobs”) under the soothing blanket of global bureaucracy.  The alarming rise in messy “Trash Mobs” such as pillow fight are a clear warning to the International Community.  The response: the San Francisco Protocol on Abnormal Public Events, a clear framework for regulation of these events through strong yet gentle local and international oversight.  The UNCCH asks you to imagine a world in which these chaotic events are tamed, packaged, and decaffeinated.  The San Francisco Protocol will finally make this possible.

Read the Ten Points of the protocol.  Then sign the protocol in the comments section on behalf of your member nation.

Yours in the service of Humanity,

Commander EDW Lynch


United Nations Condemns Attacks on Pillow Observers

UN officer Slim and his transport
Photo cc Zachary Lara
The U.N.
Photo © Andrionni Ribo
Pilitant Violence against the UN
Photo cc Zachary Lara
UN representatives
Photo cc Zachary Lara

Yesterday, in the most harrowing mission for the UNCCH to-date, 18 peacekeepers, inspectors, and medical staff deployed at the 2009 San Francisco Pillow Fight

Photos & Video
UNCCH Flickr Pool
PNN Network footage with Violet Blue

The un-pillowed personnel were empowered by UN Resolution 0190, which mandated a multinational force to monitor the conflict and inspect pillows.

The United Nations was gravely alarmed by the series of ambushes that befell our neutral observers throughout the mission and strenuously condemns these appalling violations of International Pillow Law.

Militants ignored our entreaties to resist pillow conflict as well as the strong language of Resolution 0190 (2009) and the 2005 Reykjavik accords. Our observers also detected a truly shocking number of child soldiers who were specifically targeting our personnel.

The United Nations estimates that more than 2,500 militants were involved in the conflict of February 14.  This represents a deeply disquieting increase in pillow militancy and extremism.  Also, our observers detected a sharp increase in the severity of the violence compounded by heavy, soggy pillows due to rain conditions.

The Commission is currently in emergency session as we assess an appropriate International response to unfettered pillow militancy.

United Nations Cautions Weather: Disperse Peaceably

UN Peacekeeping is best served under clear skies at 15-20 Celsius (60-68 degrees Fahrenheit.)  If the weather deviates in any way then I will be compelled wear an unsightly raincoat.  This will gravely affect my spiffiness index.  I call upon the moisture in the low pressure system over Northern California to disperse peaceably and without delay.

Commander EDW Lynch

A Message from Commander EDW Lynch

Commander EDW Lynch attempts to pacify a child soldier, Cardboard Tube Fight intervention 2008

Commander EDW Lynch attempts to pacify a child soldier, Cardboard Tube Fight intervention 2008

For too long, costumed events and holidays have taken place outside of the watchful gaze of the International Community.  In 2005, the world was experiencing dangerously high levels of unregulated festive events, including alarming “flash mobs” in key population centers.  After being caught in a No-Pants subway ride, the Secretary General demanded the United Nations monitor all holiday, costumed and other public events.  In the winter of the that year, the United Nations Commission on Costumes and Holidays was formed, based in San Francisco, United States.  Liechtenstein was the member state chosen to lead the commission, and as the sole member of the principality’s armed forces, I was asked to command the UNCCH in the field.

In the last 4 years the UNCCH has been dispatched numerous times with a strong mandate to vigorously observe festive events.  We have monitored hundreds of drunken Santas, and been repeatedly beaten by pillows and cardboard tubes.  Our largest deployment to-date was at San Francisco’s Bay to Breakers race, during which our 18-person multinational force confronted the menace of shorn male genitalia.

The UNCCH is currently closely monitoring an evolving situation in San Francisco.  For some time we have been aware of an alarming rise in pillow conflict, namely in the form of massive pillow fights in major cities around the world.  Last year we sent a small observer team to the Valentine’s Day Pillow Fight and were shocked when, in contravention to International Pillow Law, our unpillowed observers were ambushed by militants.

This year, we have called upon all member states to provide personnel, equipment, and moral support to a much larger observer force.  A resolution on the situation in San Francisco is being drafted, and while I cannot list any specifics, I expect a strengthened mandate which will allow for truly vigorous observation and bold monitoring.

Let this be a warning to would-be pillow militants:  The eyes of the United Nations are upon you.  Lay down your pillows.  And then take a nap on them, you’ll feel better.

Yours in the service of humanity,

Commander EDW Lynch


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