Commander EDW Lynch inspects a suspected cardboard tube militant
SAN FRANCISCO- Commander EDW Lynch and a small team of United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) observers and inspectors confirmed rumors of cardboard conflict at Hayes Valley Farm on Sunday, June 20th. Acting on signals intelligence gleaned from the extremist Cardboard Tube Fighting League website, the multinational observer force deployed at the urban farm in time to see cardboard tube militants amassing. While some participants claimed the event was a “cardboard didgeridoo conference,” it became clear to international observers that ritualized cardboard tube violence was the goal of the shadowy organizers.
UNUCC inspectors questioned possible tube militants and scrutinized cardboard tubes and armor. Some militants openly ascribed to cardboard violence, while others claimed the event was protected cultural ceremony.
UNUCC cardboard tube inspection form
Commander EDW Lynch liaised with local leaders and advocated strongly for peaceful tube usage. However, due to the small size of the multinational force, as well as a very limited mandate, UNUCC was unable to intervene when tube violence broke out. The multinational observer force witnessed the deplorable use of heavily armed child soldiers, as well as increasingly sophisticated cardboard weapon systems, which indicate possible state sponsorship.
UNUCC once again appeals to rival cardboard factions to disarm and recycle their tubes.
The UN Multinational Observer Force
Commander EDW Lynch a multinational force of observers and inspectors vigorously and steadfastly observed Saturday’s Balsa Man Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone in San Francisco. UNUCC commends the safe zone organizers for mostly honoring the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment. The site was well isolated on a deserted beach in San Francisco and a protective layer of fog obscured the weirdness from innocent normal persons.
In a triumph of international justice, known tweet criminals @sflslim and @steve23 were boldly sanctioned in person by UNUCC personnel. These sanctions are in addition to the twitter “@reply” sanctions issued last week and are even more vigorous. The international community was also “dismayed and very disappointed” to discover a tiny cell tower within the tiny safe zone. Commander EDW Lynch personally conveyed United Nation’s disappointment as well as a strenuous sanctioning.
UN Commander EDW Lynch is forced to engage a cardboard tube extremist. Photo by Michael Seaman
UNUCC Peacekeepers were ambushed by cardboard tube militants at last week’s Cardboard Tube Fight and were compelled to defend themselves in a rare show of force by the commission. Commander EDW Lynch and Captain David Cairns were surrounded and forced to take part in ritualized tube conflict. While the peacekeepers defended themselves with enthusiasm, both were defeated in the first round of the battle.
UNUCC detected an alarming cache of weaponized cardboard poster tubes at the Golden Gate Park skirmish. It was clear that child soldiers were being recruited, provided with cardboard armor, and pressed into service by cardboard extremists. The United Nations vigorously condemns the reprehensible use of child soldiers in cardboard conflict, as well as the brazen attacks on international observers. UNUCC strenuously requests that tube militants distube immediately and adhere to international law as it relates to cardboard tube violence.
UNUCC personnel monitor the disposal of weaponized cardboard tubes
Commander EDW Lynch has identified the Cardboard Tube Fighting League as the main instigator of tube conflict. UNUCC has officially added the League to its watchlist of abnormal organizations. The United Nations furthermore asks all member nations to cease traffic in weaponized poster tubes and to ban the harmful practice of ritualized tube dueling.
Photos documenting the tube violence can be found on the Official UNUCC Flickr group.
Photo cc Zachary Lara
Gripping eye-witness footage of the United Nations Commission on Costumes & Holidays mission to Pillow Fight has surfaced thanks to a number of brave war correspondents.
Ed Hunsinger documented the United Nations outpost in the center of Justin Hermann plaza, moments before the multinational force was compelled to retreat from increasingly agitated pilitants. He also witnessed inspectors operating under the mandate of UN Resolution 0190.
Mari Francille recorded Inspector Burstein describing approved pillow use to militants.
And as noted previously Violet Blue was reporting live during the action on behalf of PNN.