Archive for February, 2010

UN Resolution Blames Pillow Conflict on Teen Sexual Tension, Talibro Extremists

Video by Ed Hunsinger

The UN Normalcy Council has released Resolution 0210 On Pillow Conflict And Teen Sexual Tension, which “strongly condemns” all acts of pillow violence and especially the planned 2010 San Francisco pillow fight, and calls on member nations to address the root cause: “deeply alarming levels of teen sexual tension.” But perhaps the strongest words were saved for the notorious Talibro pillow militants, or “pilitants,” whose backwards-hatted thuggery has come to dominate the pillow fight.

Resolution 0210 follows last year’s Resolution 0191 On Pillow Conflict in San Francisco, and the 2005 Rejkjavik Accords, which call for an end to pillow conflict by 2015.

Escalating Sexual Tensions

UNUCC Teen Fashion Monitors have long warned the escalation of girl trampification and boy tight-jeansification is has surpassed international limits and is causing dangerous levels of teen sexual tension. These at-risk teens are most likely to turn to the pillow extremism advocated by the notorious Talibro. Resolution 0210 reiterates the 1982 Milwaukee Agreement on Sensible Slacks and Dresses and mandates safe and healthy outlets of sexual tension, such as writing embarrassing poetry and basket weaving.


A Warning to the Talibro

The Resolution “gravely condemns” the Talibro pilitants for increasing the level of violence at the San Francisco pillow fight. UNUCC personnel felt first hand the power of their unbridled sexual frustration during repeated and unprovoked pillow attacks in 2009. Wearing the distinctive backwards hats and flip flops of their people and drunk on a combination of testosterone and energy drinks, the Talibro have singlehandedly changed what was a small flash mob in 2007 into an unruly and savage melee. Commander EDW Lynch issued this stern warning: “angry man-boys of the Talibro, turn your backward hats around along with your backward policy of pillow violence.”

Targeted Sanctions

Finally, Resolution 0210 empowers the United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission to enforce so-called “targeted sanctions” against those teens who would advocate or engage in pillow conflict. Among the measures available:

  • No Nintendo Wii for a week
  • No one within 500 meters of pillow conflict permitted to say “hella”
  • Parent-UN conference
  • Red Bull embargo

Due to a lack of pillow resistant vehicles and equipment, the Resolution does not authorize the deployment of a multinational force at the 2010 San Francisco Pillow Fight.

International Press Coverage of UN Intervention at Pillow Fight 2009 via

See also:
Gripping Eyewitness Video of UNUCC at SF Pillow Fight
United Nations Condemns Attacks on Unpillowed Observers
Resolution 0190 Regarding Pillow Conflict in San Francisco


Normalcy Council Enters Emergency Session to Address Pillow Conflict

UN Normalcy Council

SAN FRANCISCO- The United Nations Normalcy Council, the international body charged with monitoring global normalcy, has entered an emergency session to discuss an imminent pillow conflict in San Francisco.

United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) Monitors report alarming signs of a brewing pillow conflict: an ominous Facebook “Pillow Fight” event scheduled for Sunday, February 14th with 3,342 confirmed pillow extremists (and 2,034 “maybes”), and what appears to be a rabble-rousing pilitant website calling for open pillow warfare in San Francisco.

Photo by Dave Young

In 2009, the Normalcy Council issued Resolution 0190 Regarding Pillow Conflict in San Francisco, which authorized a multinational observer force to vigorously monitor the 2009 Pillow Fight. The monitors and peacekeepers were unpillowed and UNUCC expected pilitants to respect international pillow law and refrain from attacking the multinational force. Instead, in a most flagrant violation, the 20 personnel were viciously ambushed by pilitants.

Pilitant Violence against the UN
Photo cc Zachary Lara

The closed-door emergency session of the Normalcy Council will determine the appropriate international response to pillow conflict in San Francisco, be it sanctions, vigorous observation, or strenuous monitoring. In the meantime, UNUCC Commander EDW Lynch urges rival pillow factions to resolve their disagreements peaceably and within the confines of international pillow law.

See also:
Gripping Eyewitness Video of UNUCC at SF Pillow Fight
United Nations Condemns Attacks on Unpillowed Observers
Resolution 0190 Regarding Pillow Conflict in San Francisco

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