UN Declares “Burning Man” An Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone

Thousands of abnormal persons are converging on the Burning Man safe zone

Thousands of abnormal persons are converging on the Burning Man safe zone. Photo cc The Buried Life

Just two days after announcing the revolutionary Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment, United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) observers have confirmed the existence of an Abnormal Behavior Containment (ABC) Safe Zone in the Nevada desert.  The eyewitness report describes a large temporary community near Gerlach, Nevada known as “Burning Man”  and featuring all the requirements of the Stockholm Plan: isolation, exclusion, and all-night dance parties.

UNUCC encourages all abnormal persons to assemble in this ABC Safe Zone and assures that the international community will not interfere with any abnormal behaviors within. Burning Man represents the first real test of the Stockholm Plan, which outlines the use of safe zones to control abnormal persons and dissipate their weirdness far away from the world community.

Abnormal persons demonstate a novel method for burning fossil fuels while dancing

Abnormal persons dissipate weird energy by a combination of dancing and burning fossil fuels. Photo cc Ryan Swift

UNUCC Commander EDW Lynch urged critics of the plan to ignore Burning Man’s intense use of fossil fuels, scarce drinking water, and most of the west coast’s supply of furry fabrics, as well as the bloom of carbon emissions emitting from the occupant’s vehicles, generators, and fire sculptures, assuring that “the environmental costs of this unsustainable camp are far outweighed by the benefit to the world community in the form of a measurable decrease in weirdness.  It is vitally important that these abnormal persons be permitted to dissipate their weird energies in a remote desert safe zone where they can only affect other abnormal persons.”

Water is distributed on the desert floor during Burning Man

Water is distributed on the desert floor during Burning Man. Photo cc The Buried Life

UNUCC observers continue to monitor the Burning Man safe zone, which is expected to increase in size until early September.  The Commission is particuarly concerned about reports that the isolation of the safe zone is being endangered by cellular communications and Twitter.  Commander EDW Lynch strenously urges abnormal persons within the safe zone to “respect and maintain the isolation of Burning Man from the world community by refraining from telling us what you’re doing.” The United Nations Normalcy Council is currently in emergency session to consider an international response to these communication leaks.

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9 Responses to “UN Declares “Burning Man” An Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone”


  1. 1 obonin August 28, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Not sure what’s so unconventional about Burning Man. Costumes replace Ties and Shirt, Drugs replace TV… i’d say BM just gets a little closer to what other cultures practice everyday…. although there’s still a strong sense of individuality, and the expression of oneself.

    • 2 Sir E. D. W. Lynch August 29, 2009 at 11:40 am

      It is precisely Burning Man’s ability to normalize unconventional behavior that makes it such a valuable tool in encouraging worldwide normalcy. This is the basis of the Stockholm Plan and it is for this reason that the United Nations has recognized Burning Man as an Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone.

      Also, to be clear, the United Nations encourages self expression so long as the self is expressed 350 miles from the nearest population center as per the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment.

  2. 3 Sagelicious August 28, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    I Love You. You made my day.

    • 4 Sir E. D. W. Lynch August 29, 2009 at 11:40 am

      Come give the United Nations a hug. Just not an awkwardly long one.

      • 5 Sagelicious September 5, 2009 at 1:41 pm

        I’ve been confined to an emergency ABC zone, “Burning Mustard,” in Boston until such time as my weirdness dissipates. With some luck, I will be transfered to the west where there are bigger containment fields. Hugs will follow.


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