United Nations Proposes Abnormal Behavior “Safe Zone” in Desert

Citing alarming worldwide increases in global weirdness, the United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission has announced the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment. The plan outlines the creation of an Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone far away from major population centers, preferably in a desolate desert or dry lake bed.

The proposed safe zone would contain, isolate, and include dance parties. Photo cc Avram Cheaney

The proposed safe zone would contain and isolate abnormal persons. Photo cc Avram Cheaney

The Commission has been monitoring worldwide abnormal behaviors and events for some time, and in recent years has detected a sharp increase in weirdness. Left unchecked, these abnormal behaviors flare up in the form of spontaneous pillow violence, illicit cardboard tube fighting, and other affronts to worldwide normalcy.  A growing international consensus on normalcy has led to the historic San Francisco Protocol on Abnormal Events as well as other vigorous and strongly worded resolutions and accords.  However, UNUCC believes a more targeted campaign to contain and manage abnormal behavior is needed.

In the spring of 2009 UNUCC convened the Stockholm Congress on Abnormal Behavior Containment.  Today, UNUCC is pleased to share the results of this international congress, the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment.

The Stockholm Plan
The Stockholm Congress finds that abnormal behavior is inevitable. The only possible international response is containment. Abnormal Behavior Containment is made up of 3 key elements: isolation, exclusion, and all-night dance parties. If these factors exist together in a “safe zone”, abnormal behaviors can be contained and managed and worldwide levels of normalcy will be safely maintained.

Abnormal Behavior Containment is made up of three key elements.

Abnormal Behavior Containment is made up of three key elements.

An Abnormal Behavior Containment (ABC) Safe Zone must be established at least 350 miles from any major cultural and population center. The distance is critical to providing a buffer zone between abnormal persons and the rest of the international community.  Without normal persons as eyewitnesses, United Nations studies have shown that weirdness can only travel about 100 meters before dissipating into the atmosphere. Additionally, because abnormal behavior will be expected in the safe zone, the behavior will by definition become less and less abnormal until a safe level of normalcy is reached.

It is vitally important that the Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone exclude large portions of the population in order to marginalize the abnormal behaviors within. The United Nations has found that small subcultures are easily manageable until the point at which they can be exploited for television shows and mainstream commercial products. UNUCC proposes entrance limitations for the safe zone based on wealth and means, such as requiring participants to have access to personal automobiles to travel to the safe zone, as well as sufficient funds to acquire equipment, rations, and adequate glowing apparel.  Additionally a safe zone visa could be established with high fees associated with entrance to the containment area.

All-Night Dance Parties
Once the exclusive population of abnormal persons has been isolated, epic all night-dance parties will perform a critical function in the safe dispersion of weird energy.  Research at liberal arts colleges and renegade dance events has shown that abnormal persons are easily distracted and lulled in to a harmless trance-like state by a “pulsing, pounding, and/or danceable beat.” Similar to the Roman practice of pacifying populations with bread and circuses, the intensely phat beats will expel energies that might otherwise be expressed in the form of abnormal behaviors and public events. The safe zone is guaranteed to attract a large population of abnormal persons (estimates range from 30- to 60,000) and the only effective and scalable solution is a network of slamming all night dance parties fueled by diesel generators, alcohol, fire-breathing sculptures, and various recreational drugs.

An abnormal person enroute to the UN safe zone. Photo cc Julia/foxgrrl

An abnormal person enroute to the UN safe zone. Photo cc Julia/foxgrrl

Critics may contend that such a large and isolated Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone in an inhospitable environment would require an unsustainable use of fossil fuels, water, and other resources. In addition such a large site would require intensive management and bureaucracy. UNUCC contends that any negative effect on the environment by the safe zone would be outweighed by a useful decrease in global weirdness and abnormal behaviors. Additionally this “dampening” effect would extend well before the safe zone was opened as abnormal persons would spend months distracted by endless preparation, as well as months afterwards in state of helpless ennui known as “decompression.”

In an Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone featuring these three key factors, UNUCC believes abnormal behavior can be contained and safely dispersed with little or no effect on the international community. The United Nations is currently performing a worldwide search for possible safe zone sites, with special attention applied to arid deserts and dry lake beds. UNUCC proposes to administer the safe zone and would utilize the extensive skills the United Nations has accumulated in refugee camp administration to manage the site and the abnormal persons. Member Nations are encouraged to nominate sites for consideration.


9 Responses to “United Nations Proposes Abnormal Behavior “Safe Zone” in Desert”

  1. 1 Nelz August 26, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Oh noes!!!

    I won’t be attending the “Safe Zone” this year, which means I won’t have access to “safe dispersion of weird energy”.

    Does this mean my weirdness may reach contagious levels whilst I travel in Europe?

    Pleez halp!

  2. 3 Inspector Sans Dick, Belgium August 27, 2009 at 10:51 am

    Whilst on my yearly surfing safari and snow globe collection tour of the Rocky Mountain states back in 2004, I did encounter some unexpectedly loud, some might even say “thumping” music in the high desert wastes of northern Nevada. Arguing with myself ad nauseam over how properly to pronounce the name of this American state — a favorite pastime — I stumbled through the night until I encountered a mysterious orange plastic fencing material, which I peered over most curiously.

    Expecting the worst, I was not disappointed. A veritable lambic of blinking lights, flame-spouting vehicles, and faux-furred fairweather friends awaited my briney eyes. Recalling my training as a U.N. Inspector I knew I was not safe alone. I hightailed it back to my sensible mid-range rental car with a good balance between gas mileage, safety, and off-road stability and made a beeline for Reno.

    Ah, yes, good old Reno, where the strangest thing to be found is that once upon a time someone thought a second, smaller Circus Circus lacking the glitz and spectacle of the original would surely pack ’em in. It brings a nostalgic tear to my eye every time I look at the snow globe.

  3. 4 Corporal Toes August 27, 2009 at 11:18 am

    Report fr m the F nt Lin :

    Th G rman advan e force, oper ing der UN Resolution 19 48-C, ha e set a base c p tside Reno, N a, and have rep ed back that is a ‘Playa’ suita e f r the n ds of this operat .

    The ad ce team has liaised wi h the locals who, by all repo s, are ‘Abn al in their own r ght’ and t ey em friendly, if s rprised, and gen ally somewhat dazed. team has adminis ed Hydration in the h pes of help g these ople, but e may not e much h pe.

    The Germ Del ion, respectfully, dec res this location to called Blue Rock City (spe fic name open to deb e in Gen al Asse ly). While t name is debat d, the Ger n delegat re sts back-up tr ops from her Memb r Nations in ord r to set p and maint the facilities outl ned abov .

    End Transmi n.

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