Archive for August, 2009

United Nations Declares Twitter Embargo of Burning Man

At stake is nothing less than the world's ability to ignore Burning Man

At stake is nothing less than the world's ability to ignore Burning Man. Photo cc Steven Tan

Following an intense emergency session, the United Nations Normalcy Council has released UN Resolution 0191 calling for an embargo of all tweets originating from the Burning Man Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone.  According to the resolution, twitter messages and any other form of cellular- or wireless-based communications leaking from the safe zone represent “a grave threat to worldwide normalcy by allowing the weirdness of Burning Man to escape to the outside world.” Additionally, the resolution “reflects a consensus that the international community doesn’t really want to hear up-to-the-minute updates on [a participant’s] ongoing voyage self discovery and/or how many Clifbars they have eaten today.”

Violators of the Burning Man Twitter Embargo will be subject to @reply sanctions

Violators of the Burning Man Twitter Embargo will be subject to @reply sanctions

The embargo strictly forbids any and all tweets, emails, cell phone transmissions, or other forms of electronic communication between the abnormal persons in the Burning Man safe zone and the outside world. The embargo also renders any Foursquare “Mayors” of Black Rock City illegitimate.

All violators of the embargo are subject to the vigorous condemnation of the international community as well as targeted “@reply Sanctions” by UNUCC.

To Report Embargo Violators to the United Nations

To report a violator of the UN Twitter Embargo, transmit the following message:

“I am reporting [@twitter_name] to @UNUCC for violating the UN Twitter Embargo of Burning Man. #BMembargo”

UNUCC Twitter Monitors will immediately be dispatched to investigate the user’s violation.  Confirmed violators of the embargo will be vigorously sanctioned via Twitter and added to the listed below.

UN Twitter Monitors vigorously sanction violators of the Embargo

UN Twitter Monitors vigorously sanction violators of the Embargo

Violators of the UN Twitter Embargo of Burning Man:

sfslim
josephpred
steve23
doublejosh
reedsturtevant
hackmancoltaire
shellyshelly
Rubin110
brady
calliloopy
mr_bill
robsample
mike_FTW
jsgarvin
hodgman
owlmonkey
Waltarrrrr
carnivillain
foursquare

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UN Declares “Burning Man” An Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone

Thousands of abnormal persons are converging on the Burning Man safe zone

Thousands of abnormal persons are converging on the Burning Man safe zone. Photo cc The Buried Life

Just two days after announcing the revolutionary Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment, United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) observers have confirmed the existence of an Abnormal Behavior Containment (ABC) Safe Zone in the Nevada desert.  The eyewitness report describes a large temporary community near Gerlach, Nevada known as “Burning Man”  and featuring all the requirements of the Stockholm Plan: isolation, exclusion, and all-night dance parties.

UNUCC encourages all abnormal persons to assemble in this ABC Safe Zone and assures that the international community will not interfere with any abnormal behaviors within. Burning Man represents the first real test of the Stockholm Plan, which outlines the use of safe zones to control abnormal persons and dissipate their weirdness far away from the world community.

Abnormal persons demonstate a novel method for burning fossil fuels while dancing

Abnormal persons dissipate weird energy by a combination of dancing and burning fossil fuels. Photo cc Ryan Swift

UNUCC Commander EDW Lynch urged critics of the plan to ignore Burning Man’s intense use of fossil fuels, scarce drinking water, and most of the west coast’s supply of furry fabrics, as well as the bloom of carbon emissions emitting from the occupant’s vehicles, generators, and fire sculptures, assuring that “the environmental costs of this unsustainable camp are far outweighed by the benefit to the world community in the form of a measurable decrease in weirdness.  It is vitally important that these abnormal persons be permitted to dissipate their weird energies in a remote desert safe zone where they can only affect other abnormal persons.”

Water is distributed on the desert floor during Burning Man

Water is distributed on the desert floor during Burning Man. Photo cc The Buried Life

UNUCC observers continue to monitor the Burning Man safe zone, which is expected to increase in size until early September.  The Commission is particuarly concerned about reports that the isolation of the safe zone is being endangered by cellular communications and Twitter.  Commander EDW Lynch strenously urges abnormal persons within the safe zone to “respect and maintain the isolation of Burning Man from the world community by refraining from telling us what you’re doing.” The United Nations Normalcy Council is currently in emergency session to consider an international response to these communication leaks.

United Nations Proposes Abnormal Behavior “Safe Zone” in Desert

Citing alarming worldwide increases in global weirdness, the United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission has announced the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment. The plan outlines the creation of an Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone far away from major population centers, preferably in a desolate desert or dry lake bed.

The proposed safe zone would contain, isolate, and include dance parties. Photo cc Avram Cheaney

The proposed safe zone would contain and isolate abnormal persons. Photo cc Avram Cheaney

The Commission has been monitoring worldwide abnormal behaviors and events for some time, and in recent years has detected a sharp increase in weirdness. Left unchecked, these abnormal behaviors flare up in the form of spontaneous pillow violence, illicit cardboard tube fighting, and other affronts to worldwide normalcy.  A growing international consensus on normalcy has led to the historic San Francisco Protocol on Abnormal Events as well as other vigorous and strongly worded resolutions and accords.  However, UNUCC believes a more targeted campaign to contain and manage abnormal behavior is needed.

In the spring of 2009 UNUCC convened the Stockholm Congress on Abnormal Behavior Containment.  Today, UNUCC is pleased to share the results of this international congress, the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment.

The Stockholm Plan
The Stockholm Congress finds that abnormal behavior is inevitable. The only possible international response is containment. Abnormal Behavior Containment is made up of 3 key elements: isolation, exclusion, and all-night dance parties. If these factors exist together in a “safe zone”, abnormal behaviors can be contained and managed and worldwide levels of normalcy will be safely maintained.

Abnormal Behavior Containment is made up of three key elements.

Abnormal Behavior Containment is made up of three key elements.

Isolation
An Abnormal Behavior Containment (ABC) Safe Zone must be established at least 350 miles from any major cultural and population center. The distance is critical to providing a buffer zone between abnormal persons and the rest of the international community.  Without normal persons as eyewitnesses, United Nations studies have shown that weirdness can only travel about 100 meters before dissipating into the atmosphere. Additionally, because abnormal behavior will be expected in the safe zone, the behavior will by definition become less and less abnormal until a safe level of normalcy is reached.

Exclusion
It is vitally important that the Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone exclude large portions of the population in order to marginalize the abnormal behaviors within. The United Nations has found that small subcultures are easily manageable until the point at which they can be exploited for television shows and mainstream commercial products. UNUCC proposes entrance limitations for the safe zone based on wealth and means, such as requiring participants to have access to personal automobiles to travel to the safe zone, as well as sufficient funds to acquire equipment, rations, and adequate glowing apparel.  Additionally a safe zone visa could be established with high fees associated with entrance to the containment area.

All-Night Dance Parties
Once the exclusive population of abnormal persons has been isolated, epic all night-dance parties will perform a critical function in the safe dispersion of weird energy.  Research at liberal arts colleges and renegade dance events has shown that abnormal persons are easily distracted and lulled in to a harmless trance-like state by a “pulsing, pounding, and/or danceable beat.” Similar to the Roman practice of pacifying populations with bread and circuses, the intensely phat beats will expel energies that might otherwise be expressed in the form of abnormal behaviors and public events. The safe zone is guaranteed to attract a large population of abnormal persons (estimates range from 30- to 60,000) and the only effective and scalable solution is a network of slamming all night dance parties fueled by diesel generators, alcohol, fire-breathing sculptures, and various recreational drugs.

An abnormal person enroute to the UN safe zone. Photo cc Julia/foxgrrl

An abnormal person enroute to the UN safe zone. Photo cc Julia/foxgrrl

Concerns
Critics may contend that such a large and isolated Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone in an inhospitable environment would require an unsustainable use of fossil fuels, water, and other resources. In addition such a large site would require intensive management and bureaucracy. UNUCC contends that any negative effect on the environment by the safe zone would be outweighed by a useful decrease in global weirdness and abnormal behaviors. Additionally this “dampening” effect would extend well before the safe zone was opened as abnormal persons would spend months distracted by endless preparation, as well as months afterwards in state of helpless ennui known as “decompression.”

Conclusion
In an Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone featuring these three key factors, UNUCC believes abnormal behavior can be contained and safely dispersed with little or no effect on the international community. The United Nations is currently performing a worldwide search for possible safe zone sites, with special attention applied to arid deserts and dry lake beds. UNUCC proposes to administer the safe zone and would utilize the extensive skills the United Nations has accumulated in refugee camp administration to manage the site and the abnormal persons. Member Nations are encouraged to nominate sites for consideration.

UNUCC Peacekeepers Attacked by Cardboard Tube Militants

UN Commander EDW Lynch is forced to engage a cardboard tube extremist. Photo by Michael Seaman

UN Commander EDW Lynch is forced to engage a cardboard tube extremist. Photo by Michael Seaman

UNUCC Peacekeepers were ambushed by cardboard tube militants at last week’s Cardboard Tube Fight and were compelled to defend themselves in a rare show of force by the commission. Commander EDW Lynch and Captain David Cairns were surrounded and forced to take part in ritualized tube conflict. While the peacekeepers defended themselves with enthusiasm, both were defeated in the first round of the battle.

UNUCC detected an alarming cache of weaponized cardboard poster tubes at the Golden Gate Park skirmish. It was clear that child soldiers were being recruited, provided with cardboard armor, and pressed into service by cardboard extremists. The United Nations vigorously condemns the reprehensible use of child soldiers in cardboard conflict, as well as the brazen attacks on international observers. UNUCC strenuously requests that tube militants distube immediately and adhere to international law as it relates to cardboard tube violence.

UNUCC personnel monitor the disposal of weaponized cardboard tubes

UNUCC personnel monitor the disposal of weaponized cardboard tubes

Commander EDW Lynch has identified the Cardboard Tube Fighting League as the main instigator of tube conflict. UNUCC has officially added the League to its watchlist of abnormal organizations. The United Nations furthermore asks all member nations to cease traffic in weaponized poster tubes and to ban the harmful practice of ritualized tube dueling.

Photos documenting the tube violence can be found on the Official UNUCC Flickr group.


UNUCC on Flickr

UNUCC on Twitter

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