Archive for March, 2009

United Nations Deeply Concerned by Bridal Flash Mob

This is what happens when brides are not subject to international monitoring

This is what happens when brides are not subject to international monitoring

The UNCCH expresses deep concern about Saturday’s abnormal public event known as Brides of March. Late last week the Commission convened an emergency session to formulate an international response to this APE.  There is no question that the event is well outside the Ten Points of the San Francisco Protocol.  It is historically underserved by the mainstreaming Frat Person presence, there is no public input regarding the nature of the event, and alarming numbers of tourist onlookers sustain dangerous levels of shock and bogglement.

On Thursday night the Commission forwarded its recommendations to the UN Normalcy Council: a strongly worded resolution was needed providing a mandate for vigorous international monitoring.  As the event loomed the Council became embroiled in a heated diplomatic debate with member nations China and the United States objecting strenuously to the application of the San Francisco Protocol in this instance.  The United States hosts a number of commercially sucessfully abnormal public events such as Burning Man and Mardi Gras and refuses to allow a precedent of international intervention.  China exports 95% of the world’s Mardi Gras beads and inexpensive costumery and views these events as economically vital (provided they do not occur in mainland China where they are strictly forbidden.)

As a result of these objections the Normalcy Council was unable to agree upon a resolution and UNCCH was prevented from monitoring Brides of March.  Regardless, the Commission is deeply concerned by the event and encourages signatories of the Protocol to speak out against the trafficking of used bridal dresses and the confusing of tourists in protected tourism zones.

Commander EDW Lynch


UNCCH Announces the San Francisco Protocol on Abnormal Public Events

The time has come to bring abnormal public events (commonly referred to as “Flash Mobs”) under the soothing blanket of global bureaucracy.  The alarming rise in messy “Trash Mobs” such as pillow fight are a clear warning to the International Community.  The response: the San Francisco Protocol on Abnormal Public Events, a clear framework for regulation of these events through strong yet gentle local and international oversight.  The UNCCH asks you to imagine a world in which these chaotic events are tamed, packaged, and decaffeinated.  The San Francisco Protocol will finally make this possible.

Read the Ten Points of the protocol.  Then sign the protocol in the comments section on behalf of your member nation.

Yours in the service of Humanity,

Commander EDW Lynch


The San Francisco Protocol

The San Francisco Protocol was drafted at the Headquarters of the UNCCH.  Photo cc Yang Yu

The San Francisco Protocol was drafted at the Headquarters of the UNCCH on March 9, 2009. Photo cc Yang Yu

The United Nations Convention on Abnormal Public Events

The Parties to this Protocol,
Being parties to the United Nations Convention on Abnormal Public Events,
Alarmed by recent increases in Flash Mobs and other such Events which are messy and silly,
Reaffirming the importance of normalcy throughout the world,
Have agreed as follows:

Article 1

For the purposes of this Protocol the following Definitions shall apply:
1. “Abnormal Public Event” means any publicly visible action, flash mob, or other happening that is outside of established cultural norms.
2. “Prankster” means a person who would undertake an Abnormal Public Event.
3. “Frat Person” means a current or former member of a college fraternity or sorority, or any person who ascribes to the aesthetic, values, and flip-flops prevalent therein.
4. “Normalcy” means a soothing state in which the unexpected is minimized and the days pass in a uniform beige slurry of unremarkable events.
5. “Internet” means a world wide web of electronic sites that have replaced parents and provide 99 percent of the daily requirement of novelty and stimulation.

Article 2

The Parties agree to encourage adherence by Prankster to the following points:

“The Ten Points”

1. Prankster shall announce in as many media as practicable Intention to Undertake an Abnormal Public Event, hereinafter “the Event,” at twelve months, six months, two weeks, and one day prior to the Event.  Prankster shall provide similar notice to the United Nations Commission on Costumes & Holidays (UNCCH).
2. Prankster shall allow unfettered access by UNCCH observers to ensure compliance to this Protocol before, during, and after the Event.
3. Prankster shall not undertake the Event on a holiday or weekend, as those are days of thoughtful reflection.
4. Prankster shall convene a committee in which all conceivable stakeholders shall be able to voice concerns and opinions regarding the Event no less than six months prior. Prankster agrees to modify the Event based upon the findings of the committee.
5. Prankster shall provide advance notice to all possible Frat Persons and agrees to include such persons in the Event and accede to their widely recognized ability to party.
6. At earliest convenience, Prankster shall invite a corporate partner such as Red Bull to underwrite, market, and otherwise co-opt the Event.
7. Prankster shall make best efforts not to surprise, provoke, encourage introspection by, or otherwise wrongly invigorate any person witnessing the Event.
8. During the Event, Prankster agrees to provide multilingual pamphlets outlining What is happening, Why it is happening, and How to complain about it.
9. Should any witness to the Event assert, in their sole judgment, that the Event is pointless, confusing, alarming, or an Offense to Normalcy, Prankster agrees to immediately halt the Event.
10. Should the Prankster be unable to adhere to any of the aforementioned points, they agree to stay home and surf the Internet.

Article 3

The original of this Protocol, of which the Arabic, Chinese, English, French, Russian and Spanish texts are equally authentic, shall be deposited with the Secretary-General of the United Nations.

DONE at San Francisco this ninth day of March two thousand and nine.

The UNCCH Enters Emergency Session to Discuss Messy Flash Mobs


UNCCH Commander EDW Lynch has been recalled from observer duties in the Swiss Alps to join an emergency session at the San Francisco headquarters. Member nations will be discussing the alarming increases in messiness detected at numerous flash mobs and other anomalous public events.

A measured response to this global crisis is expected very soon.


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