For too long, costumed events and holidays have taken place outside of the watchful gaze of the International Community. In 2005, the world was experiencing dangerously high levels of unregulated festive events, including alarming “flash mobs” in key population centers. After being caught in a No-Pants subway ride, the Secretary General demanded the United Nations monitor all holiday, costumed and other public events. In the winter of the that year, the United Nations Commission on Costumes and Holidays was formed, based in San Francisco, United States. Liechtenstein was the member state chosen to lead the commission, and as the sole member of the principality’s armed forces, I was asked to command the UNCCH in the field.
In the last 4 years the UNCCH has been dispatched numerous times with a strong mandate to vigorously observe festive events. We have monitored hundreds of drunken Santas, and been repeatedly beaten by pillows and cardboard tubes. Our largest deployment to-date was at San Francisco’s Bay to Breakers race, during which our 18-person multinational force confronted the menace of shorn male genitalia.
The UNCCH is currently closely monitoring an evolving situation in San Francisco. For some time we have been aware of an alarming rise in pillow conflict, namely in the form of massive pillow fights in major cities around the world. Last year we sent a small observer team to the Valentine’s Day Pillow Fight and were shocked when, in contravention to International Pillow Law, our unpillowed observers were ambushed by militants.
This year, we have called upon all member states to provide personnel, equipment, and moral support to a much larger observer force. A resolution on the situation in San Francisco is being drafted, and while I cannot list any specifics, I expect a strengthened mandate which will allow for truly vigorous observation and bold monitoring.
Let this be a warning to would-be pillow militants: The eyes of the United Nations are upon you. Lay down your pillows. And then take a nap on them, you’ll feel better.
Yours in the service of humanity,
Commander EDW Lynch