Archive for February, 2009

Gripping Eye Witness Video of the UNCCH at SF Pillowfight

UN Inspector Announcement
Photo cc Zachary Lara

Gripping eye-witness footage of the United Nations Commission on Costumes & Holidays mission to Pillow Fight has surfaced thanks to a number of brave war correspondents.

Ed Hunsinger documented the United Nations outpost in the center of Justin Hermann plaza, moments before the multinational force was compelled to retreat from increasingly agitated pilitants. He also witnessed inspectors operating under the mandate of UN Resolution 0190.

Mari Francille recorded Inspector Burstein describing approved pillow use to militants.

And as noted previously Violet Blue was reporting live during the action on behalf of PNN.

United Nations Condemns Attacks on Pillow Observers

UN officer Slim and his transport
Photo cc Zachary Lara
The U.N.
Photo © Andrionni Ribo
Pilitant Violence against the UN
Photo cc Zachary Lara
UN representatives
Photo cc Zachary Lara

Yesterday, in the most harrowing mission for the UNCCH to-date, 18 peacekeepers, inspectors, and medical staff deployed at the 2009 San Francisco Pillow Fight

Photos & Video
UNCCH Flickr Pool
PNN Network footage with Violet Blue

The un-pillowed personnel were empowered by UN Resolution 0190, which mandated a multinational force to monitor the conflict and inspect pillows.

The United Nations was gravely alarmed by the series of ambushes that befell our neutral observers throughout the mission and strenuously condemns these appalling violations of International Pillow Law.

Militants ignored our entreaties to resist pillow conflict as well as the strong language of Resolution 0190 (2009) and the 2005 Reykjavik accords. Our observers also detected a truly shocking number of child soldiers who were specifically targeting our personnel.

The United Nations estimates that more than 2,500 militants were involved in the conflict of February 14.  This represents a deeply disquieting increase in pillow militancy and extremism.  Also, our observers detected a sharp increase in the severity of the violence compounded by heavy, soggy pillows due to rain conditions.

The Commission is currently in emergency session as we assess an appropriate International response to unfettered pillow militancy.

United Nations Cautions Weather: Disperse Peaceably

UN Peacekeeping is best served under clear skies at 15-20 Celsius (60-68 degrees Fahrenheit.)  If the weather deviates in any way then I will be compelled wear an unsightly raincoat.  This will gravely affect my spiffiness index.  I call upon the moisture in the low pressure system over Northern California to disperse peaceably and without delay.

Commander EDW Lynch

RESOLUTION 0190 (2009): Pillow Conflict in San Francisco

Empowered by its new mandate, the UNCCH prepares for imminent deployment in San Francisco

Empowered by its new mandate, the UNCCH prepares for imminent deployment in San Francisco

United Nations Commission on Costumes & Holidays
Special Council on Pillow Conflict

Resolution 0190 (2009)

Adopted by the Commission at its 256th meeting, on February 9, 2009

The Commission,

Recalling its earlier statements of concern about rising pillow conflict in San Francisco, New York, and London in resolutions 0147 (2006), 0160 (2007), and 0177 (2008),

Gravely alarmed by the 3,756 persons on the Facebook group for the San Francisco Pillow Fight of 2009 indicating they will attend and that it will be “hella tight,”

Taking note of the Special Bedtime Envoy’s report of November 12, 2008 regarding the proliferation of the uranium-dipped goose down “weaponized” pillows,

Reiterates the Reykjavik Accords of 2005, signed by all member states, calling for an end to pillow conflict by 2015,

Vigorously urges all pillow militants to voluntarily and peacefully lay down their pillows,

Underlines the prohibitions under International Pillow Law against attacking un-pillowed and camera-wielding persons,

Condemns the compressing of pillow filling for the purposes of increasing the density to inhumane levels in contravention with International Pillow Law,

Reiterates the many peaceful uses for pillows, including as an implement of sleep, for mild-to-moderate cuddling, and personal use outside the purview of this Commission,

Acting under Chapter XX of the United Nations Charter,

Decides to authorize the UNCCH to assemble and dispatch a multinational observer force to any potential zones of pillow conflict, especially in regards to the situation in San Francisco, with the following mandate:

a) to monitor any and all pillow conflict,
b) to facilitate the inspection of pillows to ensure compliance with International law,
c) to ensure the safety of United Nations and international humanitarian personnel in pillow conflict zones,
d) to train at risk persons in peaceful pillow use,
e) and to provide humanitarian aid to refugees of pillow conflict.

Encourages member states to provide personnel and moral support for the UNCCH mission,

Thanks the Secretary General for the very thoughtful card,

Decides to remain actively seized of the matter.

A Message from Commander EDW Lynch

Commander EDW Lynch attempts to pacify a child soldier, Cardboard Tube Fight intervention 2008

Commander EDW Lynch attempts to pacify a child soldier, Cardboard Tube Fight intervention 2008

For too long, costumed events and holidays have taken place outside of the watchful gaze of the International Community.  In 2005, the world was experiencing dangerously high levels of unregulated festive events, including alarming “flash mobs” in key population centers.  After being caught in a No-Pants subway ride, the Secretary General demanded the United Nations monitor all holiday, costumed and other public events.  In the winter of the that year, the United Nations Commission on Costumes and Holidays was formed, based in San Francisco, United States.  Liechtenstein was the member state chosen to lead the commission, and as the sole member of the principality’s armed forces, I was asked to command the UNCCH in the field.

In the last 4 years the UNCCH has been dispatched numerous times with a strong mandate to vigorously observe festive events.  We have monitored hundreds of drunken Santas, and been repeatedly beaten by pillows and cardboard tubes.  Our largest deployment to-date was at San Francisco’s Bay to Breakers race, during which our 18-person multinational force confronted the menace of shorn male genitalia.

The UNCCH is currently closely monitoring an evolving situation in San Francisco.  For some time we have been aware of an alarming rise in pillow conflict, namely in the form of massive pillow fights in major cities around the world.  Last year we sent a small observer team to the Valentine’s Day Pillow Fight and were shocked when, in contravention to International Pillow Law, our unpillowed observers were ambushed by militants.

This year, we have called upon all member states to provide personnel, equipment, and moral support to a much larger observer force.  A resolution on the situation in San Francisco is being drafted, and while I cannot list any specifics, I expect a strengthened mandate which will allow for truly vigorous observation and bold monitoring.

Let this be a warning to would-be pillow militants:  The eyes of the United Nations are upon you.  Lay down your pillows.  And then take a nap on them, you’ll feel better.

Yours in the service of humanity,

Commander EDW Lynch

UNCCH