UN to Burners: Lay Down Your iPhones

SAN FRANCISCO–UNUCC Commander EDW Lynch issued a statement today once again vigorously urging Burning Man participants to lay down their iPhones while they are on the playa. The San Francisco Statement on Electronic Narcissism and Burning Man recalls last year’s Resolution 0191 which identified Burning Man as a UN Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone, and the subsequent Twitter Embargo, which banned the smuggling of tweets and other electronic communications out of the Burning Man zone.

See you in ten days. Photo cc Julia/foxgrrl


Attention Burning Man Participants:

In 2009 the United Nations declared Burning Man to be an internationally recognized Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone with UN Resolution 0191.  To be clear, the international community encourages you to engage freely in your abnormal activities within the safe confines of this isolated desert camp. It is the position of the United Nations Normalcy Council that what occurs at Burning Man is outside the purview of international law and oversight.

But you are vigorously reminded that the protections afforded you by Resolution 0190 require you to adhere to the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment, and your most critical responsibility is to ensure the safe isolation of your abnormal activities.  The international community has come to a consensus regarding your activities at Burning Man, and, to put it simply, we don’t care.

We, your friends and neighbors, indeed the entire global village, do not care what you’re doing out there.  We don’t care when and if you’ve found yourself or your degree of hydration or inebriation. We don’t want to see your pictures. We get that you’re taking a break from society. But did it occur to you that society might need to take a break from you?

So please, Burning Man participant: lay down your iPhone. Resist the urge to tell us what you’re doing at Burning Man in real-time. Know that your tweets and photos do not enrich our lives, but rather, annoy us.

And be warned that the United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) is vigorously enforcing the Twitter Embargo of Burning Man.  Your tweets will result in stern sanctions, and your Foursquare mayorships will be used against you by international tribunals.

The utility of Burning Man for you is to enjoy hallunicogens and dance music, be weird, and indulge in finding yourself. But the utility of Burning Man for the international community is to safely dissipate your weirdness far, far away from us.

We strongly urge you to adhere to UN Resolution 0190 and the Twitter Embargo of Burning Man.

Internationally yours,

Commander EDW Lynch

See also:

UN Announces International Twitter Tribunal

UN Declares Twitter Embargo of Burning Man

UN Declares Burning Man an Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone

UN Proposes Abnormal Behavior Containment “Safe Zone” in Desert


UNUCC Confirms Cardboard Conflict at Hayes Valley Farm

Commander EDW Lynch inspects a suspected cardboard tube militant

SAN FRANCISCO- Commander EDW Lynch and a small team of United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) observers and inspectors confirmed rumors of cardboard conflict at Hayes Valley Farm on Sunday, June 20th.  Acting on signals intelligence gleaned from the extremist Cardboard Tube Fighting League website, the multinational observer force deployed at the urban farm in time to see cardboard tube militants amassing.  While some participants claimed the event was a “cardboard didgeridoo conference,” it became clear to international observers that ritualized cardboard tube violence was the goal of the shadowy organizers.

UNUCC inspectors questioned possible tube militants and scrutinized cardboard tubes and armor. Some militants openly ascribed to cardboard violence, while others claimed the event was protected cultural ceremony.

UNUCC cardboard tube inspection form

Commander EDW Lynch liaised with local leaders and advocated strongly for peaceful tube usage.  However, due to the small size of the multinational force, as well as a very limited mandate, UNUCC was unable to intervene when tube violence broke out.  The multinational observer force witnessed the deplorable use of heavily armed child soldiers, as well as increasingly sophisticated cardboard weapon systems, which indicate possible state sponsorship.

UNUCC once again appeals to rival cardboard factions to disarm and recycle their tubes.

The UN Multinational Observer Force

UNUCC Warns Cardboard Extremists to Disarm

UNUCC personnel monitor the disposal of weaponized cardboard tubes

SAN FRANCISCO- The United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) warns extremist cardboard militants to lay down their cardboard tubes or face vigorous observation and inspection. United Nations monitors have detected shipments of weaponized cardboard poster tubes entering the San Francisco area, as well as signals intelligence indicating cardboard violence is imminent.

According to cardboard extremist website the Cardboard Tube Fighting League, fighting will break out tomorrow in San Francisco’s peaceful Hayes Valley yuppie enclave. The CTFL has been known to the United Nations for some time, and the radical organization is notorious for instigating tube violence on an international scale, with disturbing reports of cardboard conflict as far away as Japan. Details posted on CTFL:

What: CTFL Tournament and Potluck at Hayes Valley Farm, San Francisco
Where: The Hayes Valley Farm (450 Laguna Street, San Francisco, CA 94102)
When: Sunday, June 20th, 2010, The fun starts at 3pm.
Entry Fee: Free, tubes provided!

The UN Normalcy Council has authorized a multinational inspection and monitoring force to vigorously observe militants. Commander EDW Lynch urges militants to submit peaceably to inspections and refrain from attacking the UN observers.

UN Resolution Blames Pillow Conflict on Teen Sexual Tension, Talibro Extremists

Video by Ed Hunsinger

The UN Normalcy Council has released Resolution 0210 On Pillow Conflict And Teen Sexual Tension, which “strongly condemns” all acts of pillow violence and especially the planned 2010 San Francisco pillow fight, and calls on member nations to address the root cause: “deeply alarming levels of teen sexual tension.” But perhaps the strongest words were saved for the notorious Talibro pillow militants, or “pilitants,” whose backwards-hatted thuggery has come to dominate the pillow fight.

Resolution 0210 follows last year’s Resolution 0191 On Pillow Conflict in San Francisco, and the 2005 Rejkjavik Accords, which call for an end to pillow conflict by 2015.

Escalating Sexual Tensions

UNUCC Teen Fashion Monitors have long warned the escalation of girl trampification and boy tight-jeansification is has surpassed international limits and is causing dangerous levels of teen sexual tension. These at-risk teens are most likely to turn to the pillow extremism advocated by the notorious Talibro. Resolution 0210 reiterates the 1982 Milwaukee Agreement on Sensible Slacks and Dresses and mandates safe and healthy outlets of sexual tension, such as writing embarrassing poetry and basket weaving.


A Warning to the Talibro

The Resolution “gravely condemns” the Talibro pilitants for increasing the level of violence at the San Francisco pillow fight. UNUCC personnel felt first hand the power of their unbridled sexual frustration during repeated and unprovoked pillow attacks in 2009. Wearing the distinctive backwards hats and flip flops of their people and drunk on a combination of testosterone and energy drinks, the Talibro have singlehandedly changed what was a small flash mob in 2007 into an unruly and savage melee. Commander EDW Lynch issued this stern warning: “angry man-boys of the Talibro, turn your backward hats around along with your backward policy of pillow violence.”

Targeted Sanctions

Finally, Resolution 0210 empowers the United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission to enforce so-called “targeted sanctions” against those teens who would advocate or engage in pillow conflict. Among the measures available:

  • No Nintendo Wii for a week
  • No one within 500 meters of pillow conflict permitted to say “hella”
  • Parent-UN conference
  • Red Bull embargo

Due to a lack of pillow resistant vehicles and equipment, the Resolution does not authorize the deployment of a multinational force at the 2010 San Francisco Pillow Fight.

International Press Coverage of UN Intervention at Pillow Fight 2009 via geeked.info

See also:
Gripping Eyewitness Video of UNUCC at SF Pillow Fight
United Nations Condemns Attacks on Unpillowed Observers
Resolution 0190 Regarding Pillow Conflict in San Francisco

Normalcy Council Enters Emergency Session to Address Pillow Conflict

UN Normalcy Council

SAN FRANCISCO- The United Nations Normalcy Council, the international body charged with monitoring global normalcy, has entered an emergency session to discuss an imminent pillow conflict in San Francisco.

United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) Monitors report alarming signs of a brewing pillow conflict: an ominous Facebook “Pillow Fight” event scheduled for Sunday, February 14th with 3,342 confirmed pillow extremists (and 2,034 “maybes”), and what appears to be a rabble-rousing pilitant website calling for open pillow warfare in San Francisco.

Photo by Dave Young

In 2009, the Normalcy Council issued Resolution 0190 Regarding Pillow Conflict in San Francisco, which authorized a multinational observer force to vigorously monitor the 2009 Pillow Fight. The monitors and peacekeepers were unpillowed and UNUCC expected pilitants to respect international pillow law and refrain from attacking the multinational force. Instead, in a most flagrant violation, the 20 personnel were viciously ambushed by pilitants.

Pilitant Violence against the UN
Photo cc Zachary Lara

The closed-door emergency session of the Normalcy Council will determine the appropriate international response to pillow conflict in San Francisco, be it sanctions, vigorous observation, or strenuous monitoring. In the meantime, UNUCC Commander EDW Lynch urges rival pillow factions to resolve their disagreements peaceably and within the confines of international pillow law.

See also:
Gripping Eyewitness Video of UNUCC at SF Pillow Fight
United Nations Condemns Attacks on Unpillowed Observers
Resolution 0190 Regarding Pillow Conflict in San Francisco

Balsa Man Monitored Vigorously by UNUCC

Commander EDW Lynch a multinational force of observers and inspectors vigorously and steadfastly observed Saturday’s Balsa Man Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone in San Francisco. UNUCC commends the safe zone organizers for mostly honoring the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment. The site was well isolated on a deserted beach in San Francisco and a protective layer of fog obscured the weirdness from innocent normal persons.

In a triumph of international justice, known tweet criminals @sflslim and @steve23 were boldly sanctioned in person by UNUCC personnel.  These sanctions are in addition to the twitter “@reply” sanctions issued last week and are even more vigorous. The international community was also “dismayed and very disappointed” to discover a tiny cell tower within the tiny safe zone.  Commander EDW Lynch personally conveyed United Nation’s disappointment as well as a strenuous sanctioning.

UNUCC to Dispatch Observer Force to Balsa Man Safe Zone

UN Observers will vigorously monitor Balsa Man

UN Observers will vigorously monitor Balsa Man

Newly empowered by the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment (ABC), UNUCC is preparing an observer mission to a very, very small ABC Safe Zone recently identified in San Francisco. Known as Balsa Man, the safe zone will open on Saturday and will feature a burning effigy of a man as well as other abnormal projects. UNUCC will be on hand to monitor the containment of abnormal persons, rumored to be in the “tens of people.” Observers will also be vigorously discouraging participants from tweeting or otherwise sharing any activities that may occur in the safe zone.

UNUCC on Flickr

UNUCC on Twitter

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