The United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC)

UN Commander EDW Lynch is forced to engage a cardboard tube extremist. Photo by Michael Seaman

UNUCC Peacekeepers were ambushed by cardboard tube militants at last week’s Cardboard Tube Fight and were compelled to defend themselves in a rare show of force by the commission. Commander EDW Lynch and Captain David Cairns were surrounded and forced to take part in ritualized tube conflict. While the peacekeepers defended themselves with enthusiasm, both were defeated in the first round of the battle.

UNUCC detected an alarming cache of weaponized cardboard poster tubes at the Golden Gate Park skirmish. It was clear that child soldiers were being recruited, provided with cardboard armor, and pressed into service by cardboard extremists. The United Nations vigorously condemns the reprehensible use of child soldiers in cardboard conflict, as well as the brazen attacks on international observers. UNUCC strenuously requests that tube militants distube immediately and adhere to international law as it relates to cardboard tube violence.

UNUCC personnel monitor the disposal of weaponized cardboard tubes

Commander EDW Lynch has identified the Cardboard Tube Fighting League as the main instigator of tube conflict. UNUCC has officially added the League to its watchlist of abnormal organizations. The United Nations furthermore asks all member nations to cease traffic in weaponized poster tubes and to ban the harmful practice of ritualized tube dueling.

Photos documenting the tube violence can be found on the Official UNUCC Flickr group.