The San Francisco Protocol was drafted at the Headquarters of the UNCCH on March 9, 2009. Photo cc Yang Yu
THE SAN FRANCISCO PROTOCOL
The United Nations Convention on Abnormal Public Events
The Parties to this Protocol,
Being parties to the United Nations Convention on Abnormal Public Events,
Alarmed by recent increases in Flash Mobs and other such Events which are messy and silly,
Reaffirming the importance of normalcy throughout the world,
Have agreed as follows:
Article 1
For the purposes of this Protocol the following Definitions shall apply:
1. “Abnormal Public Event” means any publicly visible action, flash mob, or other happening that is outside of established cultural norms.
2. “Prankster” means a person who would undertake an Abnormal Public Event.
3. “Frat Person” means a current or former member of a college fraternity or sorority, or any person who ascribes to the aesthetic, values, and flip-flops prevalent therein.
4. “Normalcy” means a soothing state in which the unexpected is minimized and the days pass in a uniform beige slurry of unremarkable events.
5. “Internet” means a world wide web of electronic sites that have replaced parents and provide 99 percent of the daily requirement of novelty and stimulation.
Article 2
The Parties agree to encourage adherence by Prankster to the following points:
“The Ten Points”
1. Prankster shall announce in as many media as practicable Intention to Undertake an Abnormal Public Event, hereinafter “the Event,” at twelve months, six months, two weeks, and one day prior to the Event. Prankster shall provide similar notice to the United Nations Commission on Costumes & Holidays (UNCCH).
2. Prankster shall allow unfettered access by UNCCH observers to ensure compliance to this Protocol before, during, and after the Event.
3. Prankster shall not undertake the Event on a holiday or weekend, as those are days of thoughtful reflection.
4. Prankster shall convene a committee in which all conceivable stakeholders shall be able to voice concerns and opinions regarding the Event no less than six months prior. Prankster agrees to modify the Event based upon the findings of the committee.
5. Prankster shall provide advance notice to all possible Frat Persons and agrees to include such persons in the Event and accede to their widely recognized ability to party.
6. At earliest convenience, Prankster shall invite a corporate partner such as Red Bull to underwrite, market, and otherwise co-opt the Event.
7. Prankster shall make best efforts not to surprise, provoke, encourage introspection by, or otherwise wrongly invigorate any person witnessing the Event.
8. During the Event, Prankster agrees to provide multilingual pamphlets outlining What is happening, Why it is happening, and How to complain about it.
9. Should any witness to the Event assert, in their sole judgment, that the Event is pointless, confusing, alarming, or an Offense to Normalcy, Prankster agrees to immediately halt the Event.
10. Should the Prankster be unable to adhere to any of the aforementioned points, they agree to stay home and surf the Internet.
Article 3
The original of this Protocol, of which the Arabic, Chinese, English, French, Russian and Spanish texts are equally authentic, shall be deposited with the Secretary-General of the United Nations.
DONE at San Francisco this ninth day of March two thousand and nine.
Signed
Sir EDW Lynch
Liechtenstein
The Falkland Islands have agreed, with permission from her Majesty the Queen, to adhere to the UNCCH recommendations for APEs and will follow the “Ten Points” Article to the letter, with the exception of cases where British spelling is more appropriate than it’s crude American step-child.
Regards,
Countess M.E. Kane I
Signed,
Oberst (Corporal) Toes
Deutschland
Signed,
General D. Izorhea
Black Rock Militia
The representatives of the U.N. Member Country of Iceland hereby pledge her full and unconditional support of normalcy, wherein:
(1) The Country of Iceland pledges significant logistic support and personnell to all future actions enforcing normalcy,
(2) The Country of Iceland adopts several internal resolutions encouraging normalcy in the arts, the foods, and the musics,
(3) The Above Decree is delivered for consideration to the representative delegation’s nations leaders and approved without reservation.
So long as the supply of wine, cigarettes, and brie is not affected by this protocol France agrees.
The Federated States of Micronesia and the flip-flops prevalent therein endorse this protocol.
XOXO,
Communications Specialist J. Newton Davis
After several days of rigorous debate, involving many wounded
penguins and at the declining state of several melting icebergs, the Antarctic Protectorate, the United Antarctic Fellowship, as well as the Society of Antarctic Protectorate Societies endorse, approve of, and will be sleeping next to this Protocol.
As always, we would like to request an addendum to allow for Penguin Rights and less ice in bar drinks.
Director of Simian and Side Dish Emotions,
Angry Monkey Salad
Memoranded that:
1) This document has been inspected for typos, and while one was found its location has since been forgotten.
2) This document has been inspected for bacon and found wanting, but it is suspected that the French Council “inspected” it first.
3) This document has been inspected for yellow, chocolate, and red velvet cake and found safe.
4) This document has been licked several times. Shhh.
5) Most importantly, this document has been inspected for any lapses in polite normalcy, decorum, or deferential impotence and found to be 100% in compliance.
6) Bribes required.
Signed,
Sans Dick, UN Inspector
Belgiumland(tm)
France would like to amend our earlier statement:
So long as the supply of wine, cigarettes, brie and CHEAPLY ROUGED
WHORES is not affected by this protocol France agrees.
That is all.
-France
This protocol has, after rigorous inspection, been found to be in line with the standing policy to further gentrify the Haight and, as such, meets with our full support.
Duly signed this date of March Tenth, Two-thousand and nine
M. M. Belgand
Director of Corporate Public Development
Interzone
The citizens of Walnut Creek, as the foremost experts on normalcy, are taken aback by the fact that they were not consulted for advice with this protocol.
We, the citizens of Walnut Creek, will only agree to sign this protocol as long as Walnut Creek is guaranteed a majority number of seats on the Normalcy Council.
Signed,
Walnut Creek
The citizens of Walnut Creek will have to pry their desired seats from the Federated States of Micronesia’s cold, dead hands. Please do not force us to crush you with our giant stone currency.
Sincerely,
F. to the S. to the M’FIN M.
The United Nations thanks the member states for their support for a consensus on abnormal public events. We also extend a welcoming hand to Walnut Creek and The Haight, as the first non-state member signatories of the San Francisco Protocol.
Yours in service of humanity,
Commander EDW Lynch
I recommend an amendment providing for the safety and welfare of all press corp photographers.
Furthermore, I would request that corporate sponsors would additionally provide a stack of homemade cookies and a full assortment of lighting rigs, lenses and other photography related paraphernalia.
In the spirit of fairness, of course.
Yours in taking inappropriate photos of celebutantes leaving their limos,
Control_Z
(aka ^Z)
Let the record show that the City of New York strongly opposes the efforts of UNCCH since said city will no longer know what events to replicate and attempt to appropriate with their massive population of lemmings.
The Canadian Council would like to thank the UN for passing this bill. For too long Canada has been the only beacon of normality in this confusing and scary world. Finally, the cold fingers of pseudo socialism have reached out to embrace the rest of the world!
Signed,
The CCDP