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RESOLUTION 0190 (2009): Pillow Conflict in San Francisco

Published February 10, 2009 Resolutions 6 Comments
Tags: pillow conflict

Empowered by its new mandate, the UNCCH prepares for imminent deployment in San Francisco

United Nations Commission on Costumes & Holidays
Special Council on Pillow Conflict

Resolution 0190 (2009)

Adopted by the Commission at its 256th meeting, on February 9, 2009

The Commission,

Recalling its earlier statements of concern about rising pillow conflict in San Francisco, New York, and London in resolutions 0147 (2006), 0160 (2007), and 0177 (2008),

Gravely alarmed by the 3,756 persons on the Facebook group for the San Francisco Pillow Fight of 2009 indicating they will attend and that it will be “hella tight,”

Taking note of the Special Bedtime Envoy’s report of November 12, 2008 regarding the proliferation of the uranium-dipped goose down “weaponized” pillows,

Reiterates the Reykjavik Accords of 2005, signed by all member states, calling for an end to pillow conflict by 2015,

Vigorously urges all pillow militants to voluntarily and peacefully lay down their pillows,

Underlines the prohibitions under International Pillow Law against attacking un-pillowed and camera-wielding persons,

Condemns the compressing of pillow filling for the purposes of increasing the density to inhumane levels in contravention with International Pillow Law,

Reiterates the many peaceful uses for pillows, including as an implement of sleep, for mild-to-moderate cuddling, and personal use outside the purview of this Commission,

Acting under Chapter XX of the United Nations Charter,

Decides to authorize the UNCCH to assemble and dispatch a multinational observer force to any potential zones of pillow conflict, especially in regards to the situation in San Francisco, with the following mandate:

a) to monitor any and all pillow conflict,
b) to facilitate the inspection of pillows to ensure compliance with International law,
c) to ensure the safety of United Nations and international humanitarian personnel in pillow conflict zones,
d) to train at risk persons in peaceful pillow use,
e) and to provide humanitarian aid to refugees of pillow conflict.

Encourages member states to provide personnel and moral support for the UNCCH mission,

Thanks the Secretary General for the very thoughtful card,

Decides to remain actively seized of the matter.

A Message from Commander EDW Lynch

Published February 9, 2009 Message from the Commander Closed
Tags: commander edw lynch, pillow conflict

Commander EDW Lynch attempts to pacify a child soldier, Cardboard Tube Fight intervention 2008

For too long, costumed events and holidays have taken place outside of the watchful gaze of the International Community. In 2005, the world was experiencing dangerously high levels of unregulated festive events, including alarming “flash mobs” in key population centers. After being caught in a No-Pants subway ride, the Secretary General demanded the United Nations monitor all holiday, costumed and other public events. In the winter of the that year, the United Nations Commission on Costumes and Holidays was formed, based in San Francisco, United States. Liechtenstein was the member state chosen to lead the commission, and as the sole member of the principality’s armed forces, I was asked to command the UNCCH in the field.

In the last 4 years the UNCCH has been dispatched numerous times with a strong mandate to vigorously observe festive events. We have monitored hundreds of drunken Santas, and been repeatedly beaten by pillows and cardboard tubes. Our largest deployment to-date was at San Francisco’s Bay to Breakers race, during which our 18-person multinational force confronted the menace of shorn male genitalia.

The UNCCH is currently closely monitoring an evolving situation in San Francisco. For some time we have been aware of an alarming rise in pillow conflict, namely in the form of massive pillow fights in major cities around the world. Last year we sent a small observer team to the Valentine’s Day Pillow Fight and were shocked when, in contravention to International Pillow Law, our unpillowed observers were ambushed by militants.

This year, we have called upon all member states to provide personnel, equipment, and moral support to a much larger observer force. A resolution on the situation in San Francisco is being drafted, and while I cannot list any specifics, I expect a strengthened mandate which will allow for truly vigorous observation and bold monitoring.

Let this be a warning to would-be pillow militants: The eyes of the United Nations are upon you. Lay down your pillows. And then take a nap on them, you’ll feel better.

Yours in the service of humanity,

Commander EDW Lynch

UNCCH